How to Fix the New Star Wars: Battlefront Game

EA has announced the long-awaited continuation of their Star Wars third person shooter franchise Battlefront.  They’ve done it in a typical EA way by showing no gameplay and telling you that if you pre-order you’ll get exclusive bonus content without even saying what the content is.  Once again you’re being asked to shell out more than sixty dollars  (there will inevitably be DLC or microtransactions along with the pre-order garbage) for a product that you haven’t even seen in action yet.  The video game industry is broken.  In this isolated case, I know how to fix it.

We’ve already seen Endor and we’ve already seen Hoth plenty of times.  Your fancy trailer does not impress me especially since these ‘iconic’ environments are basically just Antarctica and a forest.  There’s a way to keep this game’s old gameplay but make it far more exciting: re-skin everything and change the game’s name to ‘Spaceballs: The Third Person Shooter’.  Boom.  I’ve done it.  I’ve fixed your bland repetitive game.  I will take the money now please.

Consider that idea seriously.  Spaceballs is perhaps the best parody of a single franchise period.  Spaceballs is also obsessed with merchandising like EA.  It’s a match made in the cold vacuum of corporate space.  Think of the humor!  There could be a variety of fun units like Mogs, Druish soldiers, stunt doubles, and Private Assholes.  Take your boring old Tatooine and litter the map with giant combs for an exciting new twist.

As for weapons you can finally wield Spaceballs: The Flamethrower!  You could have a gun that shoots raspberry jam and shuts down enemy equipment.  If you run out of jam, perhaps there’s a map where you have to fight your way to a captured Raspberry Yogurt (as opposed to Plain Yogurt) so he can supply you with more.  Come on guys, this writes itself.

You can get Bill Pullman to act as some kind of general and then parody his amazing speech from Independence Day but end it with a Spaceballs reference like, ‘And remember, we’re not doing this for money.  We’re doing it for a shitload of money!”  You can even stretch your creative wings and add some new jokes about the prequels.

You can have a ‘simulation’ level set in a computer where every noise from character footsteps to lasers firing is made by Michael Winslow.

You can’t tell me there isn’t at least one Asshole at EA that agrees with me.  You can play off the game’s obsession with merchandising when you’re trying to trick us into buying ten DLC packs and getting the twenty different pre-order skins for all the various platforms.  I refuse to believe that youEA, would not be delighted to put out the eventual sequel to that game with the title ‘Spaceballs: The Search for More Money’.

This has been Blaine Arcade, fixing an obvious cultural problem with a couple paragraphs once again.


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