M-A-C (19): ‘Freckle Lemonade’

Category: whatsit

Collection Date: (REDACTED), 1991

Collection Location: (REDACTED), Michigan

Collection Report: Mid-(REDACTED), local police received a report from an irate woman with a densely freckled face further riddled with self-inflicted scratches. She said two children had poisoned her and ‘destroyed her beauty’. Officers were led to the scene, where stood a plywood lemonade stand with a sloppily painted sign: lemonade – 50 cents.

By that time the stand was abandoned, but the woman claimed the two children had ‘perfect’ and ‘spotless’ skin, as did she before purchasing and consuming a glass of the lemonade, a pitcher of which still sat atop the stand.

On cursory examination many spots could be seen both on the surface of the lemonade and plastered to the inside of the jug, as well as drifting freely in the liquid without settling, somewhat like fish scales. Those on the top and sides more resemble ladybug spots. All are brown in color.

Also found was a recipe card with just four ingredients: water, lemon juice, sugar, and (REDACTED). Consumption of the liquid results in freckles appearing permanently on the face, commensurate with the amount drunk or splashed on the skin. They are permanent. An anonymous tip allowed the jug and recipe card to be intercepted on the road before reaching the police station.

Current Collector: ‘Numerologist’ Zia, provisional senior rank

Notes from Collector: “At a density of thirty freckles per fluid ounce, and assuming we don’t attempt to make another batch, the jug alone has the capacity to significantly be-freckle 224 people.”

Current Status: active, maintained by refrigeration and regular additions of water

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