Captain Rob Robs (Part One)

(Author’s Note: This is the third in a four volume high fantasy series set in the lowest of places: a gigantic public restroom.  I highly recommend checking them out in order if you’re interested.  Here is the first, and here the second.)

By

Blaine Arcade (in a manner of speaking)

 

The Third of Four Bathroom Breaks

The bathroom of a hotel room is a funny thing. It’s much more comfortable than a public one, with attention to decoration and cleanliness. It mimics what I would call a ‘real’ bathroom, which is to say one that is truly private and owned by those most familiar with it. Hotel beds are often rife with suspicions. Did they change the sheets? How many times has this room had a case of bedbugs? Not the bathroom. Even though it is rented it feels much safer. The germs that we are so afraid carry the personality traits as well as the sexual and financial histories of the last occupant don’t have any fibers to hide in thanks to the purity of tile and treated water. Continue reading

The Green Knight and his Guests: Finale

Awake before the sun even rose on his final full day, Gawain’s plans were already difficult to set in motion. There was little to actually apply that motion to but his body, but that was pinned down. One of the snails, by far the largest, was sat on his sternum with both stalked eyes trained on his. The two were close enough to kiss. Continue reading

The Green Knight and his Guests: Part Three

Chaste

Not a soul came to wake him the next day. Practically in mourning was he, with only three days left, having spent most of the morning unconscious. It was like Death had tricked him into yet another game, borrowing what little time was left. Gawain washed the resulting tears out of his eyes with the pitcher of water. The sun shone aggressively through the stained glass, drying his face. Continue reading

The Green Knight and his Guests: Part One

The Green Knight and his Guests

A Retelling of Sir Gawain and the Green Knight

By

Blaine Arcade

Free-Giving

Down the stone steps it rolled, quietly as that heavy a thing could thanks to the carpets unfurled for the day. There was no such padding upon the wall when the stairs reached their midpoint and pivoted at a harsh angle, so the sound of its collision traveled throughout the castle. There was no trouble yet, for everyone that could possibly hear it was floors below and awash in much more joyous noises. Continue reading

Fortune Underfoot: Part Five

E-denta

It took three separate sessions across two days, but E-denta finally succeeded in painting all of Maggie’s toe nails. The idea came to her when Jones asked for everyone to search the surrounding area for plants. The Riches around them were getting so thick that Maggie couldn’t find enough to eat without their help. Oddly enough, Braxton had the most talent for rooting around the money and bringing up the flattened bodies of mostly dead bushes. The elephant didn’t care for them, so Jones had to chuck the limp plants into her mouth and order the beast to chew. Occasionally she would chew three or four times and spray the pulpy mess back out, staining his shirt a rotten green. Continue reading