Mysterious Americana Catalog: ‘Sore Spotter’

M-A-C (22): ‘Sore Spotter’

Category: whatsit

Collection Date: September 13th, 2001

Collection Location: (REDACTED), Wisconsin

Collection Report: Teenager D.C. Wingfire was testing out a newly purchased (via her father) dartboard from a yard sale. (Take note that the item was previously flagged under the Horseshit Protocol, but was not collected.) The two engaged in a friendly game.

Through foolishly jumping in front of his daughter’s shot, the father wound up with a dart embedded in his thigh. The wound was judged minor after its removal; the dart was washed and play resumed. Continue reading

Mysterious Americana Catalog: ‘Dust Pail’

M-A-C (21): ‘Dust Pail’

Category: whatsit

Collection Date: (REDACTED), 1980

Collection Location: (REDACTED), Missouri

Collection Report: Self-proclaimed ‘cityfolk’ (REDACTED) and (REDACTED) entered the dilapidated barn on the rural property they had just purchased, finding nothing unexpected. While cleaning it out a chalky metal milk pail was knocked onto its side. Continue reading

Mysterious Americana Catalog: ‘Alcaboozit’

M-A-C (20): ‘Alcaboozit’

Category: doohickey

Collection Date: March 11th, 1968

Collection Location: (REDACTED), Alabama

Collection Report: This MAC was technically collected well before the existence of the catalog, sometime during prohibition. It consists of a man-sized dented copper still connected to various tangled lengths of hosing. Taken before modern evidence preservation standards, it sat abandoned in a basement for decades.

Harmless unless used, the moonshine produced by the still conjures up a specific repeatable hallucination entity that refers to itself as ‘Alcaboozit’: a lanky emaciated man in full star-patterned pajamas with ‘too wide a grin too full of too yellow teeth’. He is reported to ‘drift like a bubble and pop in your ear’. Continue reading

Mysterious Americana Catalog: ‘Freckle Lemonade’

M-A-C (19): ‘Freckle Lemonade’

Category: whatsit

Collection Date: (REDACTED), 1991

Collection Location: (REDACTED), Michigan

Collection Report: Mid-(REDACTED), local police received a report from an irate woman with a densely freckled face further riddled with self-inflicted scratches. She said two children had poisoned her and ‘destroyed her beauty’. Officers were led to the scene, where stood a plywood lemonade stand with a sloppily painted sign: lemonade – 50 cents. Continue reading

Mysterious Americana Catalog: ‘Haw Haw Hawtty’

M-A-C (18): ‘Haw Haw Hawtty’

Category: whatsit

Collection Date: (REDACTED), 1997

Collection Location: (REDACTED), Florida

Collection Report: A fire at a convenience store/ fast food duo mega-rest stop claimed an unusually high number of lives, seasoned responding firefighters included. One of those responders was (REDACTED), cousin of senior rank collector (REDACTED), prompting unofficial investigation that became official upon discovery of the MAC in the blackened ruins.

M-A-C (18) is a novelty thermometer bent at a forty-five degree angle, molded into the plastic shell of a bikini-clad woman doubled over in laughter, dripping ambiguous tears/sweat. Continue reading

Declaration: Pilgrim’s Anchor (finale)

(estimated reading time: 1 hour, 37 minutes)

Correspondence for Proposed Prisoner Exchange

More weeks had passed, Fool’s Gold Floyd as diligent a calendar as his many other functions. The date was December 11th, which meant the Stoking Dramas were now just three days away. After that would come the first blizzard of Pursuitia’s aggressive winter, blanketing the ground in penetrating permafrost that could claim all a man’s toes before he could take as many steps.

If the blizzard came and Blueberry was still incarcerated then she would be riding out the entire winter with the Bickyplots, who would themselves not dare to leave Bickering Hall the entire time but for the briefest and most vital of errands. The fiends would grow bored, then cajole Chattelpool into breaking out his favorite pet for them to play games with in the torture dungeon-cum-gaming hall they undoubtedly possessed. Continue reading

Declaration: Pilgrim’s Anchor (part three)

(estimated reading time: 1 hour, 27 minutes)

The Rules for a Trip to Jerusalem

Independence Hall was locked tight for several days, nary a Founder coming or going, with many of the young staying in private rooms or the barracks left with nothing to do but keep their ear to the wall, pointlessly so considering that the rooms in which those men debated and drafted were so heavily posted with their own authority that no sound could escape them.

What they debated was without question. How would the mission plan be affected by this unexpected invitation to the very same event they might attempt to infiltrate? Could they afford to let the opportunity simply pass by? And whether or not he would be accompanied by a full company of soldiers, would a Founder be in attendance? Continue reading

Declaration: Pilgrim’s Anchor (part two)

(estimated reading time: 1 hour, 24 minutes)

Invitation to Bickering Hall

On the Occasion of Mister Godswallop’s String-Snapping

An aerial view of the homes and structures of Pilgrim’s Anchor revealed a great many things, the least consequential of which was the only area within the fencing that could contain the temporary tents and stands of the autumn fair, though even light questioning would reveal that too was deeply tied to the political rifts in the marooned colony.

Anchor was a cluster of tight bricks at its core: Independence Hall, the Franklin laboratory, the Jefferson Library and Drafting Hall, as well as the armory and the ink coven. Surrounding them was a loop of empty space, ostensibly a road and walking paths, but functionally an invisible barrier between the Founders and those they had struck a thorny peace with, despite being responsible for their new castaway lives in the first place. Continue reading

Declaration: Pilgrim’s Anchor (part one)

The signing of the United States Declaration of Independence… has gone awry!  As it so happens the declaration was too powerfully worded, and effectively declared independence from the realm of Earth.  The signing founders, and those legally considered their property, and a Native American tribe roped in as well thanks to an old treaty, have been transported to a strange new land where trees write upon their own leaves and owl-eyed worms march about in the shapes of men.

Twenty years on the Founders are desperate to return to the war they never started, and have enlisted their mixed-heritage children as an army to help them fight the Bickyplots: thirteen shambling horrors with colonial inspirations of their own.  Here the written word is magic, and a new declaration might undo everything, but what of the children who have fought and journaled so hard to build their own lives?  Find out in this, the first of the Declaration duology.

(estimated reading time: 1 hour, 16 minutes)

(estimated reading time for entire novel: 6 hours)

pilgrimsanchorcover

Declaration

Pilgrim’s Anchor

by

Blaine Arcade

From the Unintended Declaration of Independence from the Earth

When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.–That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, –That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness.

Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.

From the Pilgrim’s Anchor Charter

Just as man has found himself on foreign shores and learned of their alien men, so too can he be faced with aliened and remote concepts. Every mind can thus be unfurled and read as a map, however daunting traversal may threaten itself to be through unfamiliar rivers and mountain ranges.

So it is that we find ourselves exploring a new mind, and in so doing disturbing its daily thought, bringing to it nightmares in dream and daylight alike. In order to found a tranquil mutual existence where respect bridges the gap of continental minds we must explore, and disturb, and trespass. All is so done in the earnest hope that peoples differing can be made to understand each other.

Here it is declared, and taken as fated and patient understanding, that any strife thus caused cannot be held in accounts vengeful, brought as a grievance of compounded cultural interest only to those who have adjusted to the course of history. —That where a pilgrim has dropped anchor is not where he has dealt injury, and that a world discovered is a world claimed, and that all living things are entitled to learn, disturb, and sow as they test the boundaries of freedom. Continue reading

Mysterious Americana Catalog: ‘Mobster Pot’

M-A-C (17): ‘Mobster Pot’

Category: whatsit

Collection Date: (REDACTED), 2011

Collection Location: (REDACTED), Maine

Collection Report: It took three instances of anomalous behavior for the owner of the ‘mobster pot’ to become suspicious and report it to the authorities. Its form is that of an ordinary lobster pot, manufactured some fifty years prior, showing heavy rust but no structural issues. Its owner had it in continuous use off the same stretch of coast for fifteen years.

The first sign of anything amiss occurred when it was brought up and a human big toe was found in the pincers of one of the trapped lobsters. The digit appeared fresh, and so was put on ice, but too close to some of the catch, resulting in it being consumed before they reached shore.

The incident was reported and the lobster men went back to business as usual. However, three weeks later, an elbow was brought up confined to the same pot, this time without any lobsters present to have carried it. It bore a distinctive tattoo of a (REDACTED) riding a (REDACTED) while (REDACTED), which was later tied to the recent missing person case of (REDACTED).

By the third incident the pot was near to bursting with parts of various bodies, most eventually tied to active missing persons cases. Never was anything larger than an entire bicep found, but they varied in the extreme, from eyeballs and tongues to lungs and the skin off someone’s back.

Fearing what might happen if it was sent down again, the lobster men took a vote, and among the voters was someone who had recently become familiar with the Catalog, who then convinced a majority of the others to turn it over to us rather than the police.

Current Collector: Maude Sirento, senior rank

Notes from Collector: “It was probably always strange, but now those waters are overfished. It doesn’t have anything else to dredge up.”

Current Status: active

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