Captain Rob Fights (Part Three)

The Gross Truth

grosstruth

He spent his days with his nose to the deck, and he spent his nights with his nose to a desk.  It was his job to scrub.  To scrub the deck.  To scrub the walls.  Scrub the barrels.  Scrub the water closets.  Scrub the skulls of the gravefolk who didn’t have enough of a body left to do it themselves.  It turned out there were nearly fifty of them aboard who were either missing some combination of limbs or everything below the jaw.  Scrub the Captain’s laboratory equipment.  Scrub the bottom of everyone’s boots.  Get on that ladder and scrub the ceilings.  Climb out on the beakhead and scrub the spots between the ropes.  Don’t forget to scrub the backs of your scrubbing brushes so you don’t look a mess while you’re scrubbing. Continue reading

Captain Rob Fights (Part Two)

The Cardinal Tile

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Each and every plant along the trail was new to Alast.  Their leaves were long, thin, and flopped down like lengths of string.  The tree bark was pale and divided into square scales instead of the familiar cracking of the bropato.  When he touched the leaf of a bush it curled itself into a tight ball against the stem.  He pressed his foot against the base of the plant and the entire thing shrank down and curled until it looked like a serving dish with a floral pattern. Continue reading

Captain Rob Fights (Part One)

(blurb)

Born from ridiculous contrasts, high fantasy and lowbrow humor, one note jokes and epic book series, comes the four volumes of Captain Rob!

Rich with lore and odors, the world of Porce is much more than a gigantic public restroom to its many races and monsters.  In the waters of Third Sink a maligned vessel is commanded by Captain Kilrobin Ordr, fierce pirate, slightly undead warrior, and gentleman scholar, well… man scholar.

The Captain and his crew face many challenges on their journeys, from graffiti worshiping Toil Papists who praise their god’s glory at Glory Hole to monsters engineered by the world to defeat them, along with bloodthirsty reflections, sewer-sea monsters, and tornado spewing hand dryers.  Do you have the courage to peek behind the bathroom door and find out what’s making all those terrible sounds!?  Then barge right in and partake in the plumbing of new depths!

Captain Rob Fights

By

Blaine Arcade (well kind of)

Blaine Arcade in a Men’s Room

Since you seem to be a reader I bet you think it’s safe to assume that I, Blaine Arcade, wrote this book.  If you made that safe assumption you were wrong.

A couple of years ago I was in a United States airport.  I won’t say where on the off chance that this book becomes popular and obsessed fans decide they want to visit and harass the employees. I was sitting with my laptop in front of me, much as I am right now, waiting to board my flight.  The weather outside was pretty bad and it was getting worse by the minute.  The rain was thick and depressing, like cold syrup drowning a pile of pancakes that never gets eaten.  Oh that was a terrible analogy.  I’m sorry; I’m really not much of a wordsmith.  Lucky for you, as I said before, I didn’t write this book. Continue reading

Perfect Stride

Author’s Note: this story is one of my earliest, and is currently in need of alterations and structural editing.

“No!  It took me ages to find that Dino!”  The purple cowry shell broke the water’s surface and quickly sank, belching up two small bubbles from its interior.  A blue gloved hand tried to follow it but couldn’t catch the shell in time.  It was soon out of sight in the depths.  They were almost four miles offshore now, so there was little chance a sandbar had cushioned it in a shallow spot.  Gemini would have gladly dived in after it, even if the water was boiling, but if he broke stride he would surely perish. Continue reading