Hey folks, I’ve lightly re-edited the first of my Justice Backers series, which are novellas and novelettes about a team of crowdfunded superheroes told mostly as digital epistolary. I’ve worked up another crummy cover to go on the series too. As with all my work they’re free to read in full, so please give them a shot if it sounds interesting.
(estimated reading time: 1 hour, 1 minute)
Ingest the Ass
“Say, what’s that I hear? My garden, ever so square as I am, used to be so peaceful, but now there’s all this noise from amorphous demons beyond our ken. I hope they can’t bother my sprinkleberries. Used to have bulletmelons too, but God went and tore that strip away; now I’ll never see them again.
Mustn’t criticize. The world doesn’t belong to me, with my paltry four corners. In fact, I must do more than avoid criticism. I’m supposed to be listening, those were my heptagon priest’s instructions. What was it? Continue reading
(estimated reading time: 1 hour)
Work the Ass
“I could give it a good jab,” Elizabug proposed, this time feasible despite that being her suggestion for most things: part of the philosophy that if a problem couldn’t be solved with a prodding stick or a whacking stick it couldn’t be solved at all and was better treated as a feature of the natural landscape.
“No no,” Darnette said as they both stood just out of its reach. When it extended its claws that reach was increased, forcing them to take another step away from the hole in the wall they hoped to be their portal into the main convention hall of Stained Atlas. “A hungry cat with this many prospective meals about will be an impatient creature. Give him a moment; he’ll grow bored of not murdering us and wander away.” Continue reading
(estimated reading time: 27 minutes)
Flaunt the Ass
Tropical Lilliputian air pervaded the convention center, for its massive walls weren’t built all the way up. There was a ceiling of hollow glass oblongs to keep out the rain, but it was supported only at corners, leaving a gap for local atmosphere to pour in like waterfalls. The flaw was called intentional, excused as a way of promoting a breeze and dispelling the sweat-fog of war, when in truth the actual cause was a disparity between the construction company’s claims and the Lilliputian labor force’s ability.
An auction had been held for the convention’s location, and Lilliput’s winning bid was achieved by cutting corners in the venue budget. A Lilliputian could be paid in peanut dust, a Blefuscan even less, so hiring thousands upon thousands of them still took far fewer resources than hiring big people. Continue reading
In the barn-city of Minimil, small creatures from all across the literary canon live as one people, from Lilliputians and Shakespearean fairies to myrmidons, homunculi, and Wonderlanders. Their lives are tenuous, valuable as they are as pieces in the proxy game of Little Wars, where conscripting countries can use them to spill thimbles of blood rather than buckets.
A decade into the Little Wars era, the largest convention ever is about to occur on Lilliput. Among the arriving ships is the candle boat Wicky Sticket out of Minimil, carrying a secret cargo of agents sent to interfere with the Hidden Body, an ethereal nation of traitors making big moves in the littlest and most deadly game. And behind it all the ancient slumberers toss and turn.
This is the middle of The Challenge Obscene, the second novella trilogy of the Challenging universe. It’s best to start with the first, which can be found here: The Challenging Handful, The Left Challenging Handful, and Challenging Applause. The first part of this trilogy is Challenging Cock.
(estimated reading time: 30 minutes)
The Challenge Obscene
Challenging Ass
by
Blaine Arcade
Bear the Ass
Your fate is determined not by deck underfoot, but waters beneath it.
When a stranger is met at the chessboard, analyze their first move: how they greet you.
Beware the world’s largest candle boat, which is Charon’s ferry for half its passengers.
-Noozy Cornerlore
Frustrated at her own inflexibility, the Lilliputian woman who had just signed her name ripped it out of her custom-made elongated typewriter and crumpled it into a ball, tossing it over her shoulder into a similar pile, a pile casually chewed and ruminated upon by a group of milling donkeys she was supposed to watch over more attentively. The animals were interested because the long strips of paper still smelled like the mild cookies they were stored near: the only stock she had access to at that point. Her new employer, the newspaper called Minimil Minutes, would grant her supplies more in line with her position as a journalist, but only after she’d completed and turned in her first big story to an approving editor. Continue reading
Jackscream & Typhoonator
Designation: the STYMPHALIAN BIRD & SWORD OF DAMOCLES cillimorphs
Group: BIRDISH
Native Biomes: PLANET URBANIAK & OUTER SPACE
Size: SMALL & MEDIUM
Interesting Facts: Their feathers have a metallic coating for streamlining and defense. Jackscreams often engage in dogfights with their spiky pinions and spark-spitting wing engines. Typhoonators never land and use their single tail feather as a targeting lens for long range attacks.
Ggeeet & Furnagasp
Designation: the EGG EATER SNAKE & CHIMNEY cillimorphs
Group: REPTOPHIBIAN
Native Biomes: PLANET BRRR & PLANET URBANIAK
Size: SMALL & MEDIUM
Interesting Facts: Ggeeet both remains in its eggshell and endlessly bites its base, using the shape to roll everywhere. Furnagasp unhinges its jaw and swallows any sources of heat it can to cope with its cold environment, often human things like fireplaces and grills that wind up shown on its external patterns.
Clacklaw & Lynxball
Designation: the CAT EYE MARBLE cillimorphs
Group: SPINELESS
Native Biomes: PLANET WOODZY & PLANET BRRR
Size: SMALL
Interesting Facts: Clacklaw and Lynxball have worm-like bodies that have become so stunted they are spherical. Excretions freeze into a glass-like shell to aid in rolling locomotion, and they can also use them like prisms to redirect energy into attacks and, in Lynxball’s case, goofy ear-paw projections.
Chucky Brook can’t stop staring at the newly announced cybertr- I mean Gigaterra ultra-modern Atlas smart truck. He has to have it. It has to have him. They must be together. What follows is a horror comedy short story of one CEO’s dream and everyone else’s struggle to deal with it.
(estimated reading time: 15 minutes)
I Still Love the Truck
by
Blaine Arcade
“It doesn’t look like anything else. It’s not thin-skinned- all stainless steel. You’re welcome. The windows too, let’s show the glass demo. Now take that ball, don’t hold back, really wind up and nail it… Oh my f$$$ing god. That was too hard; nobody told you to throw it that hard. We threw the world at this thing and it didn’t break. For some reason it broke now. We’ll fix it in post.”
-Clive Murger, CEO of Gigaterra
-excerpt of Gigaterra ultra-modern smart truck ‘Atlas’ unveiling event
Chucky Brook’s memory echoed when he accidentally repeated a phrase he’d used hundreds of times throughout middle school: I’m not gay. This time no one was challenging his masculinity via the avenue of the gaping hole where a girlfriend could’ve stood. No, this time he was offering it up unprompted as an addendum to his comment on his first look at the Atlas truck he was currently sweating up the courage to buy.
“Oh man, look at those arms. They look super strong.” Addendum: something something not gay something.
“As if anybody could blame you,” laughed the dealer, pairing it with a smack on Brook’s back. “Those are the patented Atlas arms, an unstoppable vice that can secure any payload in the bed. Cords are a thing of the past. Even at their widest they only block a couple thirds of the side-views.” Continue reading
Burgulp & Lungrand
Designation: the LUNGFISH cillimorphs
Group: FISHY
Native Biomes: PLANET WOODZY & PLANET SCORCHER
Size: SMALL & MEDIUM
Interesting Facts: Burgulp encases itself in slime and buries itself deep underground whenever there’s a drought, sometimes not emerging until after it has matured into Lungrand, which produces bigger more beautiful bubbles and leaps out of the water energetically in high-oxygen environments.
Blaine Arcade 