Captain Rob Deals (Part Four)

(back to part one)

(reading time: 1 hour, 21 minutes)

Without Love Waxxon

The Captain deliberately chose to not look back much after leaving Platone with the curator screaming upon his back. He wanted to watch his first concert of dancing ekapads with Vyra, so he kept his sockets aimed forward all the way back to Tonefoot and the Chokechain. He could not shut out the ringing tone itself however.

Never a student of music, the pirate still heard several classical pieces in the simplified melody, realizing for the first time how the borrowed backbone fit into each composition. All of the flourish, all the different instruments, were certainly necessary, for the ringing tone was horrifically grating to him. Worse still, he was no longer capable of effectively covering his ears now that there were no fleshy lobes to squish against the side of his head and no cupping palms to create calmer pockets. Continue reading

Captain Rob Deals (Part Three)

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(reading time: 1 hour, 5 minutes)

He’s Very Depressed Regarding his Death

It’s no use; he won’t come out,” Bonswario told Teal. He was told to guard the door, but slumped in his duty thanks to Rob only perceiving his family and friends as threats. They were aboard the Chokechain, and while the new recruits kept the ship sailing most of his old crew were bunched up in the rooms and corridors outside the Captain’s quarters. Teal had walked the path from her ship immediately upon hearing the news that he had lost his flesh in battle and been reborn as gravefolk.

He refused to see her or even speak to her, which was fine by her for the first few drops. Attending to him first was mostly an act of loyalty rather than an affectionate one. There was plenty else on his ship to occupy her time until he got over himself, like the briefing with Pearlen that mostly cleared up the surrounding circumstances. Continue reading

Captain Rob Deals (Part Two)

(back to part one)

(reading time: 1 hour 16 minutes)

Turning History’s Page

The Tributaroads were the greatest paths in Porce, but there was one feature that forced them to divert; it sent the road Flatsprung snapping toward the stalls, where it then split into Yellow Trail and widened into the Stain Plain. Such a turn ended the road’s ambition of stretching all the way from Black Gap to the Threewall Wild, perhaps even ending folk efforts to cut trails into that indomitable wood altogether.

Turned away it was by thirty-two plots of land arranged in two rows of sixteen. Each piece was stubborn on its own, but together not even an Oath could’ve moved them without a conflict that could’ve punched a massive hole in the World Floor itself. These thirty-two akers, topographical siblings in an accord spanning back to the shattering, were called the Line in the Sand. They took no travelers, no matter the offering, and never strayed from each other. Continue reading

Captain Rob Deals (Part One)

Author’s Note: this is the fourth and final volume in a comedic high fantasy series set in the lowest of all settings: a gigantic public restroom.  If you’re interested I recommend starting with those that come first: Captain Rob Fights, Captain Rob Sinks, and Captain Rob Robs.

(reading time: 1 hour, 38 minutes) (reading time for entire novel: 9 hours, 38 minutes)

Captain Rob Deals

By

Blaine Arcade (in a sense)

The Fourth and Final Bathroom Break

And it was the one that broke me. Hello again. My name is Blaine Arcade; it’s a pen name of course, to protect me from people who might be disgusted and disturbed by the things I’ve done in bathrooms around the world. Three prior times I have reported my experiences and the stories that came with, so some of this information will be old to you.

There is a thing called a bathroom break in reality, where all the rules of up and down and wet and dry and alive and inanimate don’t have to apply if someone pushes hard enough. The ones I’ve encountered grew more intense each time, the type of bathroom shifting for what I believe to be my protection. Each time I found tales chronicling a far off world, so far off it didn’t exist yet, and the exploits of a pirate captain named Kilrobin Ordr. Continue reading

Mary Annette’s Big and Beautiful Dog and Pony Show

(reading time: 51 minutes)

Somewhere in the enchanting space between dinner theater and the wild west, performer Madrigal Mora finally gets his shot to use that ol’ dirt-kicking magic, but the owner has seen fit to cast him as the villain…

Mary Annette’s

BIG

and

BEAUTIFUL

Dog and Pony Show

by

Blaine Arcade

Voice 1: Alright Miss, I think we’re ready for a trial run. Can I take you through it one more time?

Voice 2: Sure thing Sugar. Continue reading

The Challenging Handful (Part One)

(blurb)

A new kind of warfare dawns in the early years of the twentieth century, planned and perpetrated by a mysterious individual known only as the Challenger.  Rumor has it this challenger could fit in the palm of your hand.

This won’t do for the residents of Minimil, a city in a barn that has a reputation to keep up.  Filled with shoulder angels and devils, fairies, enchanted toys, Lilliputians, and every other kind of small magical creature, they can’t simply stand by and watch as the name of the tiny is smeared.

So they send out an elite team including a gingerbread soldier haunted by battlefield visions of the nutcracker and mouse king, a tiny automaton built by Leonardo da Vinci, and a ghost of a not-really-notable Christmas past to investigate in this novella inspired by Alan Moore’s The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.

(reading time: 52 minutes) (reading time for entire novella: 3 hours, 6 minutes)

handfultitle

The midnight oil had burned, so light poured into his windows and prevented sleep. His peanut brittle curtains were not up to the task of keeping it out, only managing to dye it amber. Still he guessed it was morning, as he heard the bonsai dryads begin to go about their work, pruning and watering the thousand miniature trees that turned Minimil into a land. Continue reading

Snakewaist: Wild Rideshare (Part Two)

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(reading time: 1 hour, 1 minute)

Crash into a Tree

Yeah can I get two of the…” The woman’s voice stalled as she scanned the menu even though she’d already been in line for ten minutes. Chef Ricky was grinding his teeth and sweating a puddle into his sneakers. He couldn’t, on his life, recall why he thought applying to run the Groadster for a week was a good idea. Every item sold was at a loss, and all the cameras that were supposed to follow him were gone after the first two days. “…churros.”

Would you like them with vanilla sauce, chocolate, or my special dark cherry syrup?”

Plain.” He whipped around to take them out of the warmer before she could spot his seething rage. For five years he’d been a god of syrup, formulating ones with less sugar and more flavor. He could turn Amerenas into ambrosia, mangosteens into manna from heaven, and papaya into a god-damned panacea, but she wanted it plain. The same way she kept her graying hair plain. Her expression vacant. Her shriveling toes in sandals. A street eater. Not the kind of customer he ever wanted, but the only ones the world wanted to give him… and he only got them at a loss. Continue reading