monster

Captain Rob Fights (Part Four)

~ Blaine Arcade ~ 2 Comments

(reading time: 1 hour, 11 minutes)

The Greasy Skull

blastedjungle

Tunka tuhunk tunka tuhunk tunka tuhunk. Alast was woken by the sound of a hundred footsteps on deck while enjoying a brief half-drop nap between his chores. He’d been onboard long enough to know those weren’t the sounds of hauling in fishnets or the dancing that sometimes accompanied Herc’s melodies.

He dropped to the floor. The only other occupied hammocks had gravefolk in them, their thin arms slipped through the holes in the ropes, hanging down like broken branches. Quietly navigating between the rows, he saw Manathan’s face turn towards him, but couldn’t tell if the skeleton was asleep or not. Continue reading →

Captain Rob Fights (Part Three)

~ Blaine Arcade ~ 2 Comments

(reading time: 41 minutes)

The Gross Truth

grosstruth

He spent his days with his nose to the deck, and he spent his nights with his nose to a desk. It was his job to scrub. To scrub the deck. To scrub the walls. Scrub the barrels. Scrub the water closets. Scrub the skulls of the gravefolk who didn’t have enough of a body left to do it themselves. It turned out there were nearly fifty of them aboard who were either missing some combination of limbs or everything below the jaw. Scrub the Captain’s laboratory equipment. Scrub the bottom of everyone’s boots. Get on that ladder and scrub the ceilings. Climb out on the beakhead and scrub the spots between the ropes. Don’t forget to scrub the backs of your scrubbing brushes so you don’t look a mess while you’re scrubbing. Continue reading →

Captain Rob Fights (Part Two)

~ Blaine Arcade ~ 3 Comments

(reading time: 1 hour, 50 minutes)

The Cardinal Tile

cardinaltile

Each and every plant along the trail was new to Alast. Their leaves were long, thin, and floppy like lengths of string. The tree bark was pale and divided into square scales instead of the familiar cracking of the bropato. When he touched the leaf of a bush it curled itself into a tight ball against the stem. He pressed his foot against the base of the plant and the entire thing shrank down and curled until it looked like a serving dish with a floral pattern.

Birds could not sustain flight in the mist, so the whistles and chirps of the small bug-hunters startled Alast; he kept turning around to see if someone was whistling to get his attention. Continue reading →

Captain Rob Fights (Part One)

~ Blaine Arcade ~ 13 Comments

porcecoversmall

(blurb)

Born from ridiculous contrasts, high fantasy and lowbrow humor, one note jokes and epic book series, comes the four volumes of Captain Rob!

Rich with lore and odors, the world of Porce is much more than a gigantic public restroom to its many races and creatures.  In the waters of Third Sink a maligned vessel is commanded by Captain Kilrobin Ordr, fierce pirate, slightly undead warrior, and gentleman scholar, well… man scholar.

The Captain and his crew face many challenges on their journeys, from graffiti worshiping Toil Papists who praise their god’s glory at Glory Hole to monsters engineered by the world to defeat them, along with bloodthirsty reflections, sewer-sea beasts, and tornado spewing hand dryers.  Do you have the courage to peek behind the bathroom door and find out what’s making all those terrible sounds!?  Then barge right in and partake in the plumbing of new depths!

(reading time: 1 hour, 18 minutes) (reading time for entire novel: 11 hours, 8 minutes)

Captain Rob Fights

By

Blaine Arcade (well kind of)

Blaine Arcade in a Men’s Room

Since you seem to be a reader I bet you think it’s safe to assume that I, Blaine Arcade, wrote this book. If you made that safe assumption you were wrong.

A couple of years ago I was in a United States airport. I won’t say where on the off chance that this book becomes popular and obsessed fans decide they want to visit and harass the employees. I was sitting with my laptop in front of me, much as I am right now, waiting to board my flight. The weather outside was pretty bad and it was getting worse by the minute. The rain was thick and depressing, like cold syrup drowning a pile of pancakes that never gets eaten. Oh that was a terrible analogy. I’m sorry; I’m really not much of a wordsmith. Lucky for you, as I said before, I didn’t write this book. Continue reading →

Head Chef at Cave Gouch

~ Blaine Arcade ~ 4 Comments

The ship’s crash left the cook stranded on an alien planet as the sole survivor.  A large creature decides to take him in rather than eat him, the industrious varclid known as Gouch.  He would like to use the man’s expertise, and there’s plenty of meat left around from the crash…

(reading time: 1 hour, 7 minutes)

Head Chef at Cave Gouch

Gouch’s territory was quite large for a male his age.  Usually, a varclid’s range shriveled and curled inwards with their body, but Gouch’s body was still as strong as a steam engine, which allowed him to maintain a domain with ten miles of pristine rocky coastline, a wetland of forty square miles, and a patch of dense forest around three square miles.  With all that land to himself, it wasn’t inconceivable that a human might occasionally stumble in. Continue reading →

The Hollowcry

~ Blaine Arcade ~ 4 Comments

The twins came to town to deliver some plants, but they didn’t speak much.  Here speaking is an act of creation, giving birth to a quote, which wanders around repeating itself as it tries to resonate with people.  They’ll have a hard time keeping their mouths shut if that rumor about the monstrous Hollowcry is true, flying on the lift from human screams…

(reading time: 1 hour)

The Hollowcry

“A sleeping traveler is merely cargo.”

The quote roused Tawny from her nap.  She rubbed her eyes, forgetting her hands were coated in soil.  After a solid twenty seconds she’d removed all the sleep and dirt and been able to survey her surroundings.  She was glad to see they were exactly as she had left them.  More than two hundred shakespore plants crowded her with their huge hanging flowers.  The petals were bright orange and yellow and they hung so low because they hadn’t heard anything stimulating since the beginning of the journey almost two weeks ago. Continue reading →