Captain Rob Robs (Part Five)

back to part one

(reading time: 1 hour, 36 minutes)

A drop from Kilrogue’s Mouth

There was a time, when the ages didn’t yet have their names, where the akers were feared far less. The gods hadn’t finished dying yet. There was still enough divine blood in the offspring of the Custodians that they sometimes demonstrated extraordinary powers and earned their own legends. Some of them settled for extraordinary infame, happy to be relegated to the role of trickster in the tales of them to come. Continue reading

Captain Rob Robs (Part Four)

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(reading time: 1 hour, 30 minutes)

That Feeling on Deck

The next couple of days were a flurry of activity the likes of which the rundown house had almost never seen. Folk don’t realize how important all the small sounds of a crowd can be to their sanity. If they are surrounded on all sides they naturally expect to hear tiny coughs, whispered jokes, obnoxious laughs, and shuffling. That was why crowds, even important ones, had never assembled inside the rundown house. It sucked all those small sounds away and made every gathering feel like a mass grave. Continue reading

Captain Rob Robs (Part Three)

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(reading time: 1 hour, 34 minutes)

Low-Fat Cream Filling

The party that hoped to crack the sugar on top with a most daring robbery did not have an easy time in the first step of their plan. It was best for them to move between levels as quietly as possible, but that became difficult when the massive chamber that acted as the main port of travel between the military wafer and the cream filling was in such chaos. Continue reading

Captain Rob Robs (Part One)

(Author’s Note: This is the third in a four volume high fantasy series set in the lowest of places: a gigantic public restroom.  I highly recommend checking them out in order if you’re interested.  Here is the first, and here the second.)

(reading time: 1 hour, 28 minutes) (reading time for entire novel: 11 hours, 8 minutes)

By

Blaine Arcade (in a manner of speaking)

The Third of Four Bathroom Breaks

The bathroom of a hotel room is a funny thing. It’s much more comfortable than a public one, with attention to decoration and cleanliness. It mimics what I would call a ‘real’ bathroom, which is to say one that is truly private and owned by those most familiar with it. Hotel beds are often rife with suspicions. Did they change the sheets? How many times has this room had a case of bedbugs? Not the bathroom. Even though it is rented it feels much safer. The germs that we are so afraid carry the personality traits as well as the sexual and financial histories of the last occupant don’t have any fibers to hide in thanks to the purity of tile and treated water. Continue reading

Captain Rob Sinks: Part Seven

(reading time: 1 hour, 26 minutes)

Tales of the Living Sixteen: Ciamuse
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The first thing she had to get used to was privacy stalls.  Her tragedy had taken her behind First Stone Door and atop First Toil, to the expanse beyond First Seat and under First Tank.  She was in the shadow of Lunginvess and the toil’s lever.  The folk in the town there valued their privacy above all else and looked to the stall around them in their architecture. Continue reading

Captain Rob Fights (Finale)

(reading time: 1 hour, 2 minutes)

A Beast Fights

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The tables for the feast had buckets crafted into them because bergfolk celebrations often devolved into dancing right where you ate; this way they could not be kicked aside.  The buckets were filled to the brim with all sorts of strange refreshments: spiced green cleansing water, warm red oystie sauce, pure blue toil water, and a foaming drink called scrub-throat that kept its bubbles for days.  The bergfolk swished them about in their mouths and noses, sometimes holding one nostril closed so they could blast a fountain of it out the other.  Alast watched as a woman gladly opened her mouth to accept a jet of cleansing water fired from a neighboring nostril.  It might’ve been rude not to join, but Alast couldn’t bring himself to do it; he let any liquid that came his way splash across his shirt instead. Continue reading