Snakewaist: Hurricane They (finale)

(back to part one)

(estimated reading time: 1 hour, 35 minutes)

Winds of Change

Much of their mission passed as a blur once Clove was brought into the fold, as she immediately turned it around, bringing all of them, especially the Spare Changelings, under her wing.

Shortly after the rescue they all reconvened inside Clove’s apartment high in the tree. It was like a fruit, dangling from a high branch and paneled in glass all the way around, its three floors suspended by black wires. It only took meeting her to understand how she secured what had to be one of the best views in the entire tree. Continue reading

Snakewaist: Hurricane They (part one)

Finally, justice for the elemental spirits powering hurricanes.  The humans have decided to use gender neutral pronouns when referring to them, as should have always been the case.  What’s this!?  protest?  They shall know the wrath of the newest and strongest storms in a climate they stoked themselves!  All the elementals need is a harbinger to guide them…

Chaxium and Ladyspiller Onthinice aren’t your typical fairies.  The couple has now spent years on the road, adventuring and battling threats in a changing world with the help of their transforming lizard-shaped vehicle Snakewaist.  Something is amiss with the weather down south, so they head off to investigate, but their best bet for help is Chaxium’s old flame Clove.  Hurricane They is the first novella in a new trilogy for the Snakewaist saga, so feel free to get caught up.

(estimated reading time: 1 hour, 20 minutes)

(estimated reading time for entire novella: 2 hours, 55 minutes)

Snakewaist

Hurricane They

by

Blaine Arcade

Squall Tormenta

Occurring in the Bermuda Triangle does not place it there, responsible as it is for many of the famous disappearances at that latitude, and even more longitudinally. Occurring in the Gulf of Mexico does not place it there either. Squall Tormenta exists within an ocean current, so it is placed everywhere that current may touch and can occur without being accused of having moved at the last minute even when that is what happens, to prevent certain undesirable elementals from showing their youthful faces.

Somewhere in the Gulf of Mexico the waters split in a most unbiblical fashion. Like divorcing tectonic plates they opened and drained into themselves, creating a marine canyon of raging waterfall walls and churning floor. From out of the depths came shadows, shadows that pierced walls and floor to reveal both rusted hulks and boulders uprooted. Continue reading

Mysterious America Catalog: ‘True Knothole’

M-A-C (14): ‘True Knothole’

Category: whatsit

Collection Date: (REDACTED), 1979

Collection Location: (REDACTED), Oregon

Collection Report: This MAC was independently discovered by two parties simultaneously; unfortunately only one was trained to handle such things with caution first and discretion second.

The party affiliated with us, Collector (REDACTED), then junior rank, was following the newly established ‘Horseshit Protocol’, by which agents of the Catalog identify and ferret out local ‘horseshit’, ‘bullshit’, ‘(REDACTED)shit’, and ‘batshit’ stories connected to uncatalogued and improperly stored MACs.

His initial lead was a deceased finch that, when dissected, displayed unnaturally braided feathers, Celtic knot intestines, and tangled muscle and optical fibers.

In one of the earliest examples of the protocol’s effectiveness, he was able to trace it back to a (REDACTED) tree approximately (REDACTED) centuries old on an abandoned property, given wide berth by all surrounding trees, some of which suffered unnaturally knotted branches.

He discovered on this tree a large regular knothole, its back and sides invisible when light was shined directly into it. Any object placed within is swallowed in darkness and emerges knotted, regardless of rigidity, with no other damage.

Our collector arrived just fifteen minutes after the other party that stumbled across the tree, a teenage girl who had placed her left arm inside the knothole. No knots resulting from the MAC can be undone, again regardless of material, and while the victim was initially still able to use her hand the limb had to be amputated at the elbow (REDACTED) years later due to poor circulation, apparently from the gradual tightening of the knot.

After this incident the MAC was uprooted live and transported via flatbed to a private collection where it was replanted. There was as security concern, as a trail of knotted insects had been left all along the route traveled, but it was addressed before any incident by varmint control truck 2.

The MAC has been sealed inside a cylindrical box wrapped about the tree, fitted with a door and knotted key that cannot be copied, to prevent future access.

Current Collector: ‘Sisyphus Philosophizer’, senior rank

Notes from Collector: “I use it to make balloon animals for my kids’ birthdays. They take forever to pop. You wanna sanction me for using it, well you go right ahead and go to the trouble of ripping up those roots and hauling it across state lines a second time, on your dime.”

Current Status: active

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The Ducks (a parody of Edgar Allan Poe’s The Bells)

The Ducks

by

Blaine Arcade

(shamelessly molded from Edgar Allan Poe’s The Bells)

I.

See the puddles with the ducks—
Piddly ducks!
Hear the hopes of clumsiness with quackery amuck!
How they muddle, muddle, muddle,
In their juvenile bliss!
The cotton balls escape their eggs,
Abreast on pairs of twiggy legs
Giving earth a sloppy kiss;
Ready slap, slap, slap,
Bringing fowlest thunderclap,
As a characterization of a wildlifer’s luck:
Marching ducks, ducks, ducks, ducks,
Ducks, ducks, ducks—
It’s the quacking and the smacking of the ducks.

II.

See the motley courting ducks,
Prancing ducks!
Hear the hopes of loneliness at mating season crux!
Suitor rules teach pairs and spins,
Side by side the duck that wins!
Even musty rusty birds,
When ripples clear,
Hear their flattened lover’s words,
Spousal welcome touching, yet sadly deferred,
In glassy mere!
Feathered masquerading clucks
Animally magnetize the bitches to the bucks!
Thus in flux,
Heart string plucks
On the bawdy harp of Puck
‘Til new families get stuck
By the skirting and the flirting
Of the ducks, ducks, ducks,
Of the ducks, ducks, ducks, ducks,
Ducks, ducks ducks—
It’s the lewding and the brooding of the ducks.

III.

See the raging rearing ducks—
Fury ducks!
Rally ’round the paradise that Momma Nature snuck!
When the farmers come to raid
Facing down a duck brigade
Birdies fly unto and clash
With rubber booty splash
Like a storm.
Omen dark and burdensome, the mouth of dirty flaxen sack,
Flies across from hand to hand, this demon shaped into a sack,
Crafting a lack, lack, lack,
Fam’ly never given back
To their bread-indebted waters,
Drowned—drowned in bloody slaughter
By the cry of the shock-rocked loon.
Oh the ducks, ducks, ducks!
Torches dwindle with their lux
On defeat!
Tens they take yet not one falls
In those hallowed ducky halls,
Kitchen barely stocked with grapes and grains to eat!
Yet carnivores take their feast,
For the tasting,
And the wasting,
Of the undeserving beast.
Leaving bloodied on their knucks,
From the grabbing,
And the scabbing,
Kisses practicing their sucks,
For the narrow of the marrow taken from the stolen ducks—
From the ducks—
From the ducks, ducks, ducks, ducks,
Ducks, ducks, ducks—
From the fighting and the flailing of the ducks!

IV.

Naked are the hanging ducks—
Ripened ducks!
Who were skewer-hooked above the daily catch and chuck!
In the hunger of the dawn,
How they near with moneys drawn
At the infusing scent of cardamom!
For even in these slums
Every cut gets saucy plumbs
With aplomb.
And the lookers— ah, the lookers—
They that wish to be the cookers
Come to bomb,
Many panting, panting, panting;
Every Harry, Dick, and Tom,
Clouds the windowpane with canting,
Pegs himself as Absalom—
They are neither friend nor foe—
They are as their stomachs go—
They are pawns:
Famine is their king who rants;
With his lance, lance, lance,
Lance
He skewers through the guts
And so makes them eat the rukhs
Fear has shrunken down to ducks!
And he tumbles, and he tucks;
Stoking growls, growls, growls,
Thus igniting peckish prowls,
To the dooming of the ducks—
Of the ducks:
Stoking growls, growls, growls,
Thus igniting peckish prowls,
To the selling of the ducks
Of the ducks, ducks, ducks—
To the smelling of the ducks;
Stoking growls, growls, growls,
As he plucks, plucks, plucks
In a happy peckish prowl,
To the roasting of the ducks—
Of the ducks, ducks, ducks:
To the toasting of the ducks,
Of the ducks, ducks, ducks, ducks—
Ducks, ducks, ducks—
To the hooking and the cooking of the ducks.

Lizard-Haunted Walls (an erasure poem)

What follows is an erasure poem of Kenneth Grahame’s The Wind in the Willows, which, if you’re not familiar, means I have erased most of the text but left the remaining words in order to form a new work.  I attempted to have a narrative, structure, and some rhyme, so the resulting story is quite abstract, but I promise there’s one there!

Lizard-Haunted Walls

(an erasure poem of Kenneth Grahame’s The Wind in the Willows)

by

Blaine Arcade

His Little Home First

Brooms and chairs had eyes of white
penetrating lowly house.
Spirit divine struck cellarage private,
busy working dust sounds. Continue reading

Watery and Grave (finale)

(part one)

(estimated reading time: 1 hour, 38 minutes)

December 17th

A Very Unlucky Day

Two minions cleared the elk enough for their master to walk through and stand on the ice near the carriage. Their face and body were also obscured by cloak and hood, free of creeping growth but just as tattered as those of their servants. Tavros could see that the person was small, only about half the height of their creations.

“Tavros Celliday?” A woman by her pitch. December pressed her ear against the wooden wall, barely able to hear what was said while her siblings hovered over the giant snowflake they’d found. Their absolute silence was far more important than asking them why it distracted them so. Continue reading

Watery and Grave (part one)

Enchanted to life as little more than festival entertainment, a quartet of ice sculptures find themselves abandoned, quickly becoming acquainted with danger as they flee from steaming food carts, fire-spewing domestic dragons, and the looming threat of a rising sun and a short winter.

As luck would have it, or rather as he forced luck to have it, Tavros Celliday, notary sorcerer and luck tracker, arrives to help them journey to the perpetually frozen north.  When he looks away from their luck, just for a moment, evil swoops in and snatches them away.

Oh and just wait until you find out who the narrator is!  (Yes, it’s me… but who am I!?)

(Estimated reading time: 1 hour, 22 minutes)

(estimated reading time for whole novella: 3 hours)

Watery and Grave

by

Blaine arcade

November 17th

An Overall Unlucky Day

The prevailing sentiment might be that luck doesn’t apply to infants, and that if it does the luck doesn’t take effect until the child is old enough to understand their lot in life. So even if either idea is true, it doesn’t apply here, as the four born that day were born at their full intellectual capacity.

I don’t know about unlucky, but the place they were born was certainly unusual: the fair grounds in the midst of that continent’s biggest annual celebration. It was called the Tiring Week, and it coincided with most large animals settling into their caves and dens for hibernation. On the human side of things they wore themselves out with revelry and craftsmanship, but the best naps they could muster afterward only lasted a day or two.

On day three of the Tiring Week there were many scheduled events including a sledding competition, a magical firework show, and the activity that resulted in the spawning of the four youths that we would call unfortunate if that luck debate was actually settled. Continue reading

Heirs of Cain: Venus in Labor

Severin Molochi is in love with a goddess.  She’s not the kind found in a church, or that you can take with you to church for that matter.  She’s of the old, muddy, animal line of Cain: those who gained power in the world’s first murder.  Just as Severin and his goddess Wanda are settling in their new home, setting up her future dominion, her jealous siblings come calling, but they’re not after her.  They want every gods’ most valuable asset, the mortal chosen as the conduit between them and the people, who in this case happens to share her bed.

Heirs of Cain, a gothic horror fantasy erotic thriller novelette series, continues here.

(estimated reading time: 1 hour, 30 minutes)

Heirs of Cain

Venus in Labor

Accepting their compliments proved difficult, and I had no way of explaining myself either. You see, I, Severin Pelts, still had not informed anyone in Quarantown that my wife, Wanda Blasphemer Pelts, was secretly a bloodthirsty goddess from a smudged and misinterpreted age long before any notions of a Christ child or contemplative Buddha.

One day they would all know, the shock bending them into kneeling prayer, where they would no doubt stay for the remainder of their lives. They’d be fools not to. Already they knew the magnetic draw of her company, knowing it just then at the dinner party I’d arranged, the guest list made up of several early pilgrims to Quarantown who seemed like good candidates for lesser disciples than myself when the time came: Miss Giselle Ulterrine the duck farmer, Giggles Terroir our town sommelier, Doppler Burstyn the mining magnate, and the freshest of them, Godwin Hammerstein, a playwright looking to be heard of. Continue reading

Twitch Stream Stories Redux #3: Bitter is Lighter than Sweet

These stories were written live on stream based on prompts provided by the viewers. They have been edited, with this second more in-depth edit occurring much later, but not meaningfully rewritten or expanded so as to preserve the spirit of the exercise. Sadly, the prompts themselves were not recorded until many stories in.  Sometimes the prompts were silly challenges, or quirky thoughts, or dark ideas, or utter nonsense.  I did my best each time.

If you enjoy this, please check out the other activities from the stream. If you would like something longer and much more thoroughly planned, simply investigate my more traditional work at the top of the page.

Bitter is Lighter than Sweet

prompt provided by TheBludes

It was such a wonderful thing that it wasn’t raining that evening. The sun was gone, off to bed, but the streetlights did its work tirelessly, and then some. Things had been crazy in Baros City since the new A.I. had taken over. He was excitable, and always turned the lights up too bright; they flared aggressively against the blue spires of the skyline. He was good at managing the denizens’ hangups though, much better than his predecessor.

Since he’d saddled up suicides were down, homicides were down, rape and theft were down. Everything was down. People moved about the streets mutely, staring at the grain of the sidewalk and forgetting the hats on their heads. They didn’t shout. They didn’t push. They didn’t complain. Continue reading

Mysterious Americana Catalog: ‘Firebird’

M-A-C (13): ‘Firebird’

Category: varmint

Collection Date: November 25th, 1999

Collection Location: (REDACTED), New Mexico

Collection Report: A seemingly ordinary frozen turkey was purchased at (REDACTED) Foods and stored in preparation for the (REDACTED) family’s third annual hybrid Mexican-Thanksgiving dinner, where they cooked both traditional holiday dishes and cultural hybrids like pumpkin pie churros and hot pepper stuffing.

When the bird carcass was removed from its opaque bag, in the presence of seven witnesses, it immediately thrashed. It was dropped, but brought itself to its nub feet and aimed at the nearby open door of the oven. The oven was not yet heated, but the turkey ran for it, launched itself inside, and continued to flail.

After some seconds, multiple bystanders witnessed it ‘realize something’ and extract itself before fleeing.

Four individuals pursued it out of the kitchen, out of the house, and through a neighbor’s backyard where it created a dangerous situation by leaping into a vat of boiling oil the neighbor was about to use to deep fry their own turkey. The resulting splash dissuaded all but one pursuer.

Seemingly dissatisfied with the overturned oil as its secondary suicide method, the M-A-C proceeded through the doggy door of the next house over and attempted to insert itself into their oven.

This house belonged to a then-member of the catalog, and they acted quickly in turning away the last pursuer on the grounds of trespassing. After wrangling and registration by catalog varmint control truck 4, it was observed that the carcass, nicknamed ‘Firebird’, would perpetually try to cook itself by any methods available. It could only be contained by keeping it in a pit lined with aluminum foil, where it then ambled perpetually and aimlessly.

Current Collector: (REDACTED) Alvarez, junior rank, expelled

Notes from Collector: “In my defense, I didn’t know my family expected me to host Thanksgiving that year. They showed up and I had nothing… except for a bird begging to be cooked. If anything, it should have counted as research; we now know it tasted normal and didn’t make us run for any open graves.”

Current Status: inactive (consumed), skeleton displays no unusual properties

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