stories

Manifest of the West (Part Three)

~ Blaine Arcade ~ 1 Comment

(reading time: 1 hour, 2 minutes)

That were the story I told my pocket twister.  It weren’t the most heartening, but I think confiding in him gave him some strength.  He shook off most of that water and started looking more like his old self and less like a cloud constipated with rain.

Now you know whose soul I were collecting all them names for.  I knew Pa weren’t at peace.  He were still kept from Heaven and Hell in the ropes of Knot-eye, and the only way to get him back or get him to my mother were to obey the will of the Laudgod and eventually be rewarded.  I had to be the man he told me to be, to conquer and dominate the West so thoroughly that nothing could stop me.  Continue reading →

Manifest of the West (Part Two)

~ Blaine Arcade ~ 2 Comments

(reading time: 50 minutes)

The Tangent of Sara’s Sewing Spiders

I told you about my mother’s dress shop.  I didn’t tell you it were driven out of business by the peculiarest of competitors.  My mother, bless her glorious soul in Heaven, were even kind enough to bring the woman who owned the venture a pie as a welcoming gift.  Sure it were blackberry pie, not her finest pie by miles, but you can’t expect saintly behavior from a shrewd businesswoman such as her. Continue reading →

Manifest of the West (Part One)

~ Blaine Arcade ~ 3 Comments

(blurb)

There’s a version of the wild west where the land in the westward direction just never stopped stretching, where magic seeped out of the canyons and rode the whirlwinds.  That’s where Lionel Worthett lives, and it’s where he would’ve died if the almighty Laudgod had just let him.

Instead he was given a task and a document called the Manifest of the West.  All he has to do is get the most powerful miscreants, villains, and varmints to sign their names so they can be turned into legends that won’t get any more astonishing, and then he can have his reward, one soul returned from the hereafter, back to the infinite west.

(reading time: 52 minutes) (reading time for entire novella: 3 hours, 25 minutes)

Manifest of the West

by

Blaine Arcade

The Hellmouth

There I were, standing before the open mouth of the grand devil’s kingdom… one of its mouths anyway.  A hot breath full of ashes descended on me.  It were the first one I’d ever set my own eyes on and it weren’t what I expected.  The mouth part of the name were supposed to be figurative.  It were a disgusting word representing a gate so people would think even less of it than they already did.  Except it weren’t so figurative. Continue reading →

The End Times were Published in 1979

~ Blaine Arcade ~ 3 Comments

A young lonely man distracts himself from his woes by collecting, hoarding in the eyes of others, vintage science fiction and fantasy publications, but there’s something moving around in his stacks, taunting him, demanding he reveal where he has hidden one very specific story…

(reading time: 1 hour, 7 minutes)

THE APOPALYPSE!

EVERY KERNEL A WEAPON OF INCREDIBLE POWER!

The world rejoiced when Dr. Kimberly Goldenrod invented Mannapop, her patented genetically-tinkered super corn that could grow in the harshest environments.  World hunger was all but solved as her genius took root across the globe and fed a generation.  Its kernels were as big as beach balls… and flavorful too!  The delicious miracle so distracted everyone that they didn’t notice it growing in every corner, every empty lot, every forest, and even between the kelp on the ocean floor. Continue reading →

Singin’ in the Upper Paleolithic

~ Blaine Arcade ~ 4 Comments

(estimated reading time: 24 minutes)

Singin’ in the Upper Paleolithic

By

Blaine Arcade

Of the sixteen time machines in operation, only one played a video of someone tap-dancing. The machine itself wasn’t much to marvel at; in fact, it looked like a space heater from the 1970’s, just with a fancier coat of paint and 6,380 bundled wires snaking out of its base and entering all kinds of unusual places around the laboratory. Some went into sockets, some hugged the wall and left the room, and others rose into the air dangerously enough to get tagged with black and orange warning stickers. Continue reading →

Justice Backers: The Lichen Calls (Finale)

~ Blaine Arcade ~ 2 Comments

(reading time: 1 hour)

Monkey Girl Diary #494

(transcribed from video log)

Hello backers. I have much to say about. Yesterday was the day I did something about the depression. I asked for help.

The Bay was very quiet; it was like this since the tar sands. We train and eat in silence. Alpha Dog mumbled about the Lichen and Pawn and Transplant and Drill Baby. I have seen people do the dying before, but not like Baby. I knew that Pawn have some darkness inside him, but I did not think he would ever let it go. Maybe a little escaped every time his body broke. I cannot say if the same thing would happen to me. I just want them to be alright. I want all of this to go away, but the world is calling for their blood. Continue reading →

Justice Backers: The Lichen Calls (Part Three)

~ Blaine Arcade ~ 2 Comments

(reading time: 56 minutes)

JordanJaded’s Top Ten Weirdest Justice Backer Moments

(jordanjaded.blogstack.com)

With all this Drill Baby and Lichen drama going on, everybody’s been asking their favorite blogger (and when they don’t answer they ask me) what they think the Justice Backers should do in this situation. I’ve always been pro-backer myself, more as a sideshow and fuel for my writing than legitimate sociological experiment. Everyone’s having a field day posting their listicles and things, but I haven’t seen this one go up yet so I’m going to try and squeeze it in there. I didn’t bother to do a poll or anything since most of you are here for my opinion anyway. This is just a list of what I think are some of the top conversation pieces that have come up because of the backers in the last few years. I owe this coverage to them; without their shenanigans I never would’ve had anything to write about when I started this site three years ago. Now I get like two million unique visitors a day! These aren’t in any particular order except for number one, so let’s start the ride! Starting with… Continue reading →

Justice Backers: The Lichen Calls (Part One)

~ Blaine Arcade ~ 4 Comments

JusticeBackersCover

(reading time: 45 minutes) (reading time for entire novella: 3 hours, 31 minutes)

Sportfish Independent Backer Update #14

(transcribed from video log)

Hello again friends and supporters. Thanks to the mention I received in yesterday’s The Daily Pills, my donations are up sixty percent. That means many of you watching this are new to the Sportfish program; I’m going to give a quick history lesson to catch you up. If you’re a veteran at this point you can just click here and skip ahead to my big news.

If you’re wondering if my operation has any relation to the eastern and western superhero teams called the Justice Backers, the answer is yes. The creator of that program, Alpha Dog, is my uncle. About a year ago I flunked out of college. I will not work retail. I will not wait tables. I will not make beds. I will not sit at a desk and help people who don’t matter make appointments that don’t matter. I am an adult human being in the twenty-first century and I refuse to let my life get flattened and paper-clipped that way. Continue reading →

Justice Backers: Finale

~ Blaine Arcade ~ 2 Comments

(reading time: 52 minutes)

Golden Boy Diary #38

(transcribed from video log)

Hey guys. Okay, so… I’m sure you’ve heard that some nasty stuff went down a little while ago and I just want to do my best to explain how I got caught up in it. The first thing I want to say is that I’m very unhappy with the way it turned out and I’m doing everything I can to get it sorted out. Continue reading →