(reading time: 39 minutes)
The following is an excerpt from the TI/preheroes forum on Thinkitch
G0bluefins83: Hey is this a Justice Backers room? You guys have a lot of the same tags.
SacredQueen: Sort of. I’m one of the mods. My name’s Becky :). We’re preheroes so a lot of us are really inspired by the Justice Backers.
G0bluefins83: What’s a prehero? I don’t mean to be ignorant but I’ve never heard of them.
Tara-iffic: It meens we dont have our powers yet dummy.
SacredQueen: Be nice Tara or I have to time you out again.
G0bluefins83: Wait… you guys have super powers? Like real ones? Is this a role play thing?
SleeplessKnight: Nah it’s no game. We were born with SPs like Archive or Impala but we haven’t grown into them yet.
G0bluefins83: ????? O_O So you can’t do anything? You just sound like regular people.
SacredQueen: It’s difficult to explain. It’s a deeply personal certainty that you’re not normal. It’s just a part of your identity. You can feel your powers before you can use them. Some of us can actually use them already but they’re not at full strength.
G0bluefins83: ………. What are all your powers?
Tara-iffic: I have mine alredy, which is rely rare cuz I’m only 14. Their going to get a LOT stronger. I’m a musical empath. When I hear my fave songs I can feel exactly what the musician felt when they wrote the song. I feel Kurt’s pain whenever I listen to Nirvana. Thats when its the worst. When they get stronger Ill be able to sing the songs myself and make everybody feel it 2.
G0bluefins83: That sounds kind of dumb. How do you prove that to anybody?
SacredQueen: We don’t ask for proof here. It’s part of the rules that you just trust somebody about their powers. We want to encourage people to share because it’s all very personal. I can’t prove my powers because I don’t have them yet, but I definitely feel them. I’m going to have the ability to absorb the energy of people’s faith. It won’t matter what faith; it could be God, Buddha, the human spirit, or their favorite sports team (like the bluefins :)). If people near me believe anything strongly and are feeling righteous, I will become super strong and generate a heavenly blinding light. Who else is in here for a roll call?
SleeplessKnight: I don’t sleep. Ever. I stay up and roam around fighting people’s nightmares so they can rest better.
Keystone: Hi Bluefins, I’m Keystone. I’m PP (pre-powered) but eventually I’ll be able to spot the weakest point on any structure and collapse them with a single strike. Even skyscrapers.
Noodler: I’m PP too. I live near the Mississippi river and I can sense this giant catfish who lives at the bottom. When I’m ready he’s going to let me ride him and breathe underwater and control all the other catfish. I’m going to be the river’s protector.
OldDominion: (PP) I’ll be able to teleport anywhere in Virginia.
XcandylintX: PP and I don’t even know what my sps are yet.
ShadyReaper: I make ppl dead. X_X
SacredQueen: Don’t mind Reaper, English isn’t his first language.
KudzuKate: U guys didn’t tell him the most important thing!!! Theirs 2 types of phs! Pp are pre-powers and have them when their born. LPs are lichen-powered and that means the lichen is gonna come touch them at some point and give them powers.
G0bluefins83: You mean that thing that gave Pawn and Transplant their powers?
WitchHazel: Kudzukate and I are spores! That means the lichen talks to us telpathicly and we tell ppl if the lichen has chosen them to join. He only picks people with pure hearts and a lot of spirit.
OldDominion: Lichen doesn’t have a sex.
KudzuKate: BUT HE HAS A GENDER YOU BUTTHOLE (This user has been timed-out for ten minutes)
SacredQueen: Aaaand that’s another time-out for Kate.
WitchHazel: Kate gets excited XD. I can’t wait until the lichen comes to give us our powers. We got so many ppl for him I bet its gonna be sooooooooooon! Hes gonna make it so I can shoot these plant-seed firecracker things.
G0bluefins83: Okay then. I guess I shouldn’t really be here. You guys have fun.
SacredQueen: You can stay if you want. We let everybody talk. You can even get involved since we need a lot of online sidekicks. You’ve probably read about how much the Unfridgable Girl helps the Justice Backers.
SleeplessKnight: … I think he left. At least he didn’t call us liars.
ShadyReaper: He seem nice.
WitchHazel: I didnt sense anything so the lichen doesnt care about that guy. Did we tell u guys were goin camping this weekend? Were gonna wait up all night for him. He told us to bring ppl but only BRAVE ppl. Does anyone want t come?
Tarra-iffic: I have youth group this Saturday T_T.
SacredQueen: I think most of us are going to be working on the fundraiser for the Backers. Once we get together about 10k anyone who wants to can attach an application or an audition. That ought to get some of us noticed.
Noodler: I’m poor this month. Not enough moneys for my laundry even.
Supermustache64: Is this for the Justice Backers? Do any of you know Impala, cuz I really really want to talk to her.
WitchHazel: NO GET OUT (This user has been timed-out for ten minutes)
Archive Diary #13
(transcribed from video log)
This is Archive diary entry number thirteen. Hello again everyone. While I don’t usually have much to report, something specific did get under my skin today. Perhaps you can give me some insight into it. I don’t understand the motivations involved much myself, but Alpha Dog insists it is key to our fundraising efforts.
All of this merchandising irks me. When I stepped out into the kitchen this morning I was met by a wall of boxes blocking the refrigerator. Golden Boy was behind them, having climbed the organized pile of trash to get to the stove.
“Don’t worry, I’ve got breakfast taken care of,” he said as he slid a plate of fruit and pancakes across the top box towards me. I thanked him and took a seat at the table with a few of the other Backers. We ate quietly. I’m sure you remember that my eyes allow me to avoid asking questions most of the time. I could see inside the boxes and identify their contents: T-shirts, keychains, statuettes, coasters, DVDs, and sweatpants with our logo across the bottom. I considered complaining then but one glance revealed each Backer’s generally sour mood.
Our defeat at the hands of Woman’s Touch has been casting a shadow over us for days. It has been doing that for exactly four days. I imagine we would have recovered by now if not for the fact that Pawn has not returned. Alpha Dog gave Monkey Girl a long glass capsule to keep his arm in until the rest of him returns, but it has not stirred the entire time. Though we’ve only been a team for a short while, I consider Monkey Girl a friend and it pains me to see her torture herself over his remains. She thinks it is her fault. She understands that his power prevents him dying, but her emotions will not listen to her logic. They claw at her mind. The others have not had to watch her figuratively bleed as I have. I keep my observations private mostly and only share them with my love.
Wallflower was being just adorable enough to keep me focused on petty irritations rather than the villains that threatened our mission. She was seated in my lap while I ate my pancakes; nobody else at the table had the slightest idea. She waited until all eyes were staring off in some random direction before sneaking a strawberry or piece of banana for herself. Seeing as my journal entries cover hers as well, she wants me to tell all of you that she is doing well.
When I finally inquired about the boxes pushing us out of the kitchen, Impala told me it was only a temporary inconvenience until Alpha Dog arranged to have the merchandise shipped out. I normally address my grievances to Impala when I can; I feel she takes our individual concerns a touch more seriously than Alpha Dog. Sometimes it’s difficult to look at him and see something other than a mid-life crisis. If you add up all his dogs they would probably weigh the same as the one red sports car that satisfies most men his age.
I suggested that we might be taken more seriously if our hall of justice didn’t have a gift shop attached. Impala indicated she was in agreement but that she could not deny the effect the merchandise had on our donations. That is why I am turning to you now. It is only fair that you answer some of my questions now that I have answered so many of yours.
Why will you only open your wallets for these cheap trinkets? Surely you must understand their complete lack of value. They are plastic, resin, and cheap fabric. They’re produced in garage-sized factories by interns and underpaid laborers loyal to our cause. Their time could be put to better use. Perhaps you, our backers, could start a petition to get Alpha Dog to remove the merchandise. He will listen to you if you make yourselves heard. I won’t pretend my opinion isn’t partially affected by the hours we have to spend each week signing statuettes of ourselves and handing them off to be bubble-wrapped. Regardless, it’s a waste of time and resources.
Those toys will not bring you closer to us. An accurate toy of my dear Wallflower couldn’t even be seen. An accurate Pawn would dissolve and fly away from you after you opened it. Owning a toy does not make you our friend. You are the driving financial force behind this team, but you can improve just as we can. What do you say? Will you try and bring some more dignity to the Justice Backers?
A quick unrelated note: I have finally convinced Alpha Dog to change the default capitalization of the word ‘redacted’ in all our transcriptions to something less likely to make our readers’ eyes bleed. You are welcome.
I will close this entry here. Please keep your questions succinct and polite. Remember that I do not answer overly personal questions about myself, Wallflower, or our relationship.
Loseweightonraw: How are you going to defeat Woman’s Touch and Act-of-Goddess? If there’s a hurricane she can put it wherever she wants! I heard on the news that they identified her and she’s like crazy or something. She was seeing that Moyne guy and he was giving her pills for like years.
We will combine our powers and intellects as a team to overcome whatever threat they create. I want to remind all of you that being ‘crazy’ is not the same thing as being evil. If Act-of-Goddess has a serious mental health issue (I did sense instability) we will take that into account and do our best to help her too. It wasn’t too long ago that Wallflower was under similar scrutiny. It nearly snapped the stem of her spirit in half.
GoldXmonkey4eva: I heard a rumor that Alpha Dog was on the sex offender list ten years ago and that he just learned a bunch of computer stuff so he could hack into government files and get rid of it. Is that true?
I may not see eye to eye with Eben on certain aspects of the project, but I can assure you that he is not and has never been a sex offender. The electric signals of people like that are very distinct. It rarely takes focus to identify them. They are characterized by auras of either guilt or self-satisfaction. I’m sure you can imagine how difficult it is for me to sit and do nothing when I am in a public space like a restaurant and I see one of these men enjoying a nice meal with their wife and children. I would not tolerate being under the leadership of such a person for even a single second.
Mittromney: Can you read the dogs’ minds?
As far as my talent can be called mind reading, yes I can. What I intuit from the electrical signals I see is rarely on a one to one ratio. Exact data is easier to deduce from machines than organisms. Eben’s hounds are a pleasure to observe. Their thoughts are so like the real thing that I am now using them as a template to help me make better guesses as to the thoughts of actual canines.
Swagglerock69: LOL! im back bitch. it doesnt matter how many times u guys ban me cuz i got the supreme hax. i told u i no ppl! im always gunna b here bcuz u cant stop me. does you’re invisi-bitch gf hide from evry1 cuz shes scared of dick? u 2 better stay away from me cuz i could rely make u afraid of it. if u ban me again evry1 on Thinkitch is gonna get over here and rain shit on u guys like god’s diarrhea. i no wuts coming 4 u. its gonna be epic! you’re goin 2 lose all the $ u stole from us.
I apologize about the intrusion everyone. I’ll look into a more permanent antibiotic for this bacterium. It really is incredible that out of so many words ‘diarrhea’ is one of the only ones he can spell.
Backer Update #16 (Financial Crisis)
Hello everyone. I know you are used to Alpha Dog doing these updates, but I, Impala, will be handling at least the next few. We have encountered a major setback and he has asked me to make the reports until he overcomes what he has dubbed ‘the bottomless shame’.
If you have not been following our personal diaries or earlier updates, I will summarize the situation. We recently made a powerful enemy named Woman’s Touch. She is a former colleague of Alpha Dog’s and in addition to controlling a pair of powerful jet-propelled robotic hands, she has allied herself with a disturbed young woman who can summon natural disasters from thin air. They have been hitting engineering labs across the country to steal parts for an unknown machine that we think may be a vehicle of some sort. We attempted to stop her once, but were overcome by her companion’s abilities. In the process Pawn’s body was destroyed.
It has now been two weeks since the event and he has not returned. We do have part of him with us; it shows no sign of either regeneration or degeneration. We are all growing worried as to his fate. We are hopeful that the rest of him has merely gotten caught in some natural loop of wind or water and is just making very slow progress.
Yesterday Woman’s Touch defeated us a second time. This defeat was ethereal and yet it has demoralized us more than the first. With the help of a loose association of cybercriminals who have named themselves (for reasons sane people do not understand) ‘the Poo Flingers’, she has breached our website and the accounts we use to conduct our business. All of the money we had stored there was drained. As a security measure we never store more than two months’ donations there, but she made off with a month and a half of your gifts to us, totaling more than three million dollars. We have no way to recover it.
Alpha Dog, the Unfridgable Girl, and Archive were able to do some damage control. We have arranged for new tighter security measures to protect the funds. We have been assured by some of the most brilliant people in the field of computers, some of them backers themselves who volunteered their expertise, that our system can no longer be infiltrated.
Archive used her vision to scan all of our machines for clues. She was the one who discovered an encrypted chain of messages between Woman’s Touch and the Poo Flingers. One former backer in particular, Swagglerock69, was revealed as the driving force behind the collaboration. He was repeatedly banned from our comments sections and eventually took to the multipurpose site Thinkitch where he started collecting vitriol aimed at the Justice Backers. I don’t spend much time with computers myself, so I was shocked to see the sorts of things posted there. Photos of us altered to appear pornographic. Racially-charged insults primarily directed at Wallflower, Monkey Girl, and me. Crudely drawn homophobic and transphobic caricatures. I am nearly convinced that the physical world is not the one in desperate need of superheroes.
Thanks to Archive and the Unfridgable Girl we were able to identify Swagglerock69 as a seventeen-year-old male living with his parents in Tennessee. His name is Wayne Drudd Newbeck. We reported him to various police departments and cybercrime watchdogs. While he cannot be charged for interfering with what are technically illegal fundraisers, he was quickly linked to more than a hundred other instances of threats, hacking, fraud, and harassment. He has been arrested and is currently being charged.
I know that the team has no right to ask this of you, you who have given so much for the good of the world, but we need a sizable sum in order to recover. We’re down three million dollars. There is an additional expense Eben and I have agreed is necessary. I became aware of our need for it when I witnessed the villainous therapist Dr. Moyne manipulate one of his patients into attacking us. The Justice Backers need someone to fill a similar role, except this person would shine light where Moyne attempts to cast shadow. We need someone unshakeable who can teach us to remain calm and avoid emotional distractions.
We need Orb. Many of you have suggested him as a possible member of the team. Until two weeks ago we could not even confirm his existence. We were surprised to learn he not only exists, but has an E-mail address. We have been communicating with him for a while now and he has expressed a willingness to join our team provided we can cover his expenses. Orb is Indian and has lived there much of his life. He owns and operates an old temple that acts as a place of meditation and healing for the people of his community. Most of his students donate their time but the building still has associated expenses. In exchange for a monthly stipend in addition to his proposed salary that will allow him to keep his temple open, Orb will become a Justice Backer.
His story has been an internet legend for several years now, ever since some uploaded phone footage that seemed to show a man encased in a giant glass marble toppling trees as he rolled through a forest.
Orb has studied the minds of man for his entire life. The Buddhism of his youth has evolved into a universal understanding of the human condition. He has plainly stated that he has achieved enlightenment. This achievement has unlocked an incredible mental power: the ability to shield himself from the world inside a perfect sphere of psychic energy. Inside the sphere he is in a meditative state, a psychic cocoon of sorts, and cannot be harmed. His mind can propel the sphere across the ground at incredible speeds with near-unstoppable force. He is a precise and merciful wrecking ball.
Eben and I are of the opinion that with his help we will have both the physical strength and the emotional grounding necessary to defeat Woman’s Touch and her cohorts. This is what we ask of you. I know some of you have lost faith and others feel sorely tested. Many of you have sacrificed greatly to bring us to this point and there is no denying that we failed you. I’ve read many messages from community college students skipping meals to give that extra five dollars. Some of you have lost parents, spouses, and children to crime and have invested in us so others will not suffer the same heartbreak. It tears at all of us that we may have cracked your hearts more in recent days.
Yet we’re still here. We won’t give up. We won’t hide. If we can raise the missing funds, our usual monthly expenses, and Orb’s fee I am certain we can move on. There is greatness simmering within the Backer Barn and the evildoers of the world need to have its righteous fire thrust upon them. The Justice Backers will rise to the challenge if you allow it!
The following is taken from a recorded police interview of the individual known as Act-of-Goddess. She was captured by authorities in the Arizona desert alone and in a disheveled state. Leeryeyed.com would like to credit our source: the Unfridgable Girl.
Officer#1: Can you tell us your name?
Goddess: I am Act-of-Goddess, rightful guardian of Mother Earth.
Officer#2: Your legal name dear.
Goddess: I care not for your laws and labels.
Officer#1: Can you tell us what you were doing out in the middle of the desert with no phone and no water?
Goddess: There were falling rocks here. It was merely a convenient place to retreat.
Officer#1: What were you retreating from?
Goddess: Nothing. A silly argument.
Officer#1: Who were you arguing with?
Goddess: Dr. Moyne. He is my advisor. I rely on him to cut through the illusions cast by the titans.
Officer#2: What the heck are the titans?
Goddess: Embodiments of destruction. They seek to end my kind’s dominion over the Earth. They are giant elementals trapped under the planet’s crust. I can feel the hot churning of their struggles underneath my feet every day.
Officer#1: If they’re trapped how can they hurt you? Why do you need your advisor?
Goddess: Not all beings are as tiny and helpless as you humans. Cages cannot contain them entirely. They create spiritual emissaries who come to the surface and breed with any creature they can seduce. Then their offspring carry out their agendas. It is the titan of illusions who seeks my blood the most. He plagues me by confusing my eyes, altering my memories, and ambushing me with rage, joy, and sorrow when I am not prepared. Dr. Moyne gives me the truth so I do not accidentally destroy myself or the things I am sworn to protect.
Officer#2: How do you know he’s telling you the truth?
Goddess: He is an honest man. Before I started seeing him I did not even know I was a goddess. The illusions had taken root in my mind so strongly that I was convinced I was a human girl in the process of losing her mind. The old me, the plagued me, was being ripped apart by a typhoon of emotions. Ecstasy would pull me to the left. Sadness would claw me down. Anger made me explode into tiny pieces. I could do nothing to stop it.
Officer#2: We’ve seen your emotions in action on TV. It seemed like you were in control.
Goddess: Dr. Moyne has helped me to control it. The titan of illusions knows he can upset me by destroying parts of the Earth because I am connected to it. What he does not grasp is that his tantrums only tickle our mighty mother. All he has succeeded in doing is increasing my divine power.
Officer#1: How long have you had this divine power?
Goddess: It has always lived within me, but it was not until my adolescence that it revealed itself. I noticed the temperature of the air around me changed whenever I was upset. Occasionally I would see spots of other places. It was just for an instant and then I would blink them away. Once the titans increased their efforts and I could not control myself, the forces of the Earth started truly bringing their fury wherever I went. Some of you poor humans suffered as a result. I am sorry for that.
Officer#2: If you don’t want us to suffer why are you working for Woman’s Touch? She hurts people all the time.
Goddess: Watch your tongue. I do not work for anyone. I follow the guidance of my doctor. He insists Woman’s Touch is at least partly divine, though nowhere near as much as I am. He is merely helping her move out from under the titans’ spells as well.
Officer#2: What’s your plan? Why are you robbing all those labs?
Goddess: You shouldn’t waste your time on things you don’t understand. Those pieces are just so Dr. Moyne can build a machine that produces medicine. It will make pills strong enough to free me from the titan of illusions. It won’t hurt you.
Officer#2: Why are you even bothering to talk to us? You could break out of here by spraying a volcano at us right now couldn’t you?
Goddess: The Earth is calm.
Officer#1: Okay… earlier you said you came out here because of an argument. You picked a great place. It’s almost dark enough to see the stars now. They look amazing out in the valley.
Goddess: It is good you know how to appreciate the natural wonders.
Officer#1: Thank you. That means a lot coming from a goddess. Do you mind if I ask what you two were arguing about? Who argues with a goddess anyway? It seems disrespectful to me.
Goddess: Normally, yes… I try to show the doctor a certain respect for revealing the truth to me. He did not have to.
Officer#1: What did he say that upset you?
Goddess: It is none of your business.
Officer#1: I didn’t mean to pry. I just figured that if a genuine goddess is upset it might be bad for everyone. I may not be connected to the Earth but I do live here.
Goddess: I did not mean to snap, but you mustn’t worry. The planet will not collapse over this. It’s just me being foolish. Taking these illusions more seriously than I should even when I know they’re false.
Officer#1: What illusions?
Goddess: They’re not even particularly convincing. They come to me in dreams. I know not to trust dreams. They’ve shown me lies even before the titans. My father you see… my adoptive human father. His mortal life ended when I was very young. It was cancer: that dreaded mortal mold. I always remembered his kindness. My mind tortured me with that, making a puppet of him dance in my dreams as if he was alive. It would let me hug him and talk to him and see his smile. Then it would wake me. It is such agony waking into a world of death. I can only suffer it at the hands of creatures like the titans, but still. His death is still a crying wound.
Officer#1: Is the titan of illusions using your dad to upset you?
Officer#2: Why are you bothering with this? She’s off her rocker. Let’s just get her sedated.
Officer#1: I apologize for her goddess. She doesn’t believe. I’m in charge here though and I would very much like to keep talking with you.
Goddess: Very well.
Officer#1: Were you and the doctor arguing about your father?
Goddess: Just his image. It came to me in the middle of the night. Told me I was being lied to. Dr. Moyne told me it was just another dream.
Officer#1: But you don’t think it was?
Goddess: My father is dead so it had to be a dream, but it did strike me as very odd. I thought… I thought a voice in my dreams woke me and told me to step outside and find him. I thought I was awake when I saw him this most recent time. If the titan can layer my dreams I do not know if I can ever rest soundly again.
Officer#1: Why did you disagree with Moyne?
Goddess: There was something odder still. Hardly a detail, but… the illusion of my father told me it wasn’t my father. It told me it was just a visitor that knew the greatest sorrows of man. It knew of my sorrow. It knows that I still feel… wrong. I still feel like I’m clawing my way out from under a heavy blanket… if that thing was a trick by the titans why would it tell me it wasn’t real? That doesn’t make any sense.
Officer#1: I agree. You’re a goddess after all; you shouldn’t give up on your instincts entirely. Maybe Moyne is mistaken. He is only mortal after all. Maybe you need to think about what that thing said.
Officer#2: That’s enough magic for me. I’m getting some coffee.
Officer#1: I’ll take some too. Goddess would you like anything to drink? A soda? Some water?
Goddess: No, there is plenty of water.
Officer#1: A-alright. Can I tell you something goddess?
Goddess: You can say whatever you like. It does not matter to me.
Officer#1: Well you know I’m a police officer. It’s my job to protect people like it’s your job to protect the planet. I know you’re very powerful but I still feel like I should protect you if I could. That’s why I’m telling you this. All those parts you’re helping Woman’s Touch get aren’t to make medicine. I got a message about an hour ago from the guys at the FBI saying those parts are for some kind of vehicle. It’s mostly experimental engine stuff. No medicine.
Goddess: You lie.
Officer#1: I’m sorry goddess, but it’s the truth.
Goddess: An illusory truth then. One you cannot see through.
Officer#1: There is only one truth.
Goddess: If we are the thieves and monsters then why were we attacked by titan spawn? They stop at nothing to prevent my accomplishments.
Officer#1: Do you mean… the Justice Backers?
Goddess: If that’s what the creatures call themselves. They even wear masks. Who knows what monstrous eyes they’re hiding?
Officer#1: Believe me, I’m no fan of them. They’re not monsters though. They’re just people with weird bodies and brains running around trying to do my job. Where their first instinct is to attack, mine is to question. I want truth and justice for everyone. That includes you.
Goddess: I’m sure your intentions are noble, but you’re just an insect flying mindlessly into a window. You do not have the insight I need. I must thank you. It’s very relaxing confiding in you humans. I can store my secrets in you with the assurance that you will, in the beat of a divine heart, wilt and die with it still a part of you. I’ll be going now.
Officer#1: Hold on a second, don’t… what… what is this?
Goddess: I told you there was plenty of water.
The recording is then drowned out by the sound of rushing water. Satellite images show a collapsed wall on the precinct’s side and a very large puddle.
Monkey Girl Diary #36
(transcribed from video log)
Hello backers. I am sorry I have missed lots of diaries. It is very good news that you decided to give us the money to keep going. Thank you. I am not sure if I am staying… Pawn is not back yet. His arm is still in the jar on my desk. Sometimes I leave the top off to see if it will move or come out. Nothing happens. I check outside every day to see if any white sand is near the Barn. Even Alpha dog look sad when he say to me to not worry. Plastron had armor and he still died. Pawn is not supposed to die but he is not back. Maybe it is me. Maybe I am covered in bad luck. What if they put a real bad luck thing in me with the monkey genes? It could be true. I do not know everything they did.
It might be a good time for me to go because we are getting a new Backer. Orb is coming. We did not have to get him a plane ride; he say he take care of that himself. We are supposed to meet him at the (redacted) beach in a few days. I guess he will come on a boat. He is a legend, so I can fade into the back and leave when he is here. Nobody will miss Monkey Girl when the super-marble-man is here. If Hostage was still here he could not even fit around Orb. He will not screw up and kill his own teammates.
If I go I will miss it here. We did some very good things last week and this week. Transplant, Impala, and me stopped a poacher in Africa. He was a rich American man and he was paying money under the tables to kill endangered animals. The Unfridgable Girl (love you girl!) found him after he put a picture on Connectera. You can see a rhino horn in the back of the picture. Some people thought that was odd so they took closer looks at everything he did.
He was an optomalogist… sorry. I will try again. Optometrist. That is a hard word. He was very popular until people saw his trophies. We do not arrest people, so we did not know how to stop him at first. We cannot follow people all the times. We needed proof so the police can hold him. That was when Impala made the mission for the three of us. It was a big decision, because we do not have a helicopter yet. We had to have the Dogfighter for two or three days. The rest of the team was stuck at the Barn until we came back.
Impala say to us to pack very light. She put all the food in the plane. Transplant only took a sleeping sack and a tiny bathroom kit. I did not know what to leave behind. I did not bring razor. Big screw-up. After many hours in the plane I was already kind of fuzzy. When we landed outside a preserve it was extremely hot and I was very itchy. There were lots of bugs all over us. I always thought my tail would be good for hitting bugs away but it did not work at all. My tail got bited most of all my body.
It started to get dark so we made a camp. The opto… metrist was there that day but I guess he did not want to hunt yet. We put up a tent instead of sleeping in the jet because it got very hot in there and we could not leave the air cooling running all night. We were not worried about dangerous animals because Transplant put up a fence of thorns around our tent. Even elephants would think again if they wanted to step on us! Transplant was a little worried because the last time he was in a tent that blob thing came to get him. It did not come this time though. We just talked most of the night. We did not get as much sleep as we should have. The savannah is very calming. The bugs don’t stop singing even when big animals walk by.
When I woke up I was a mess. Already it was hard to see my skin through the fur. Lucky for me it does not grow on my face or I would look like the wolf man! My whole body had bed-head though, and that is no fun. It makes you look like a sleepy pet more than a superhero.
We moved quietly after we found the poacher. Impala stayed back while I sneaked through the branches over him. Transplant can… glide? He moves softily through the branches… they just bend out of the way for him. The poacher was following some kind of deer… or is it antelopes? So many animal names. I will never get them all in my head. Whatever deeralope it was it had big black horns and it was just eating grass quietly. It was not bothering anybody but Mr. Poacher thought it should die anyway. I wondered if he feels bad when he shoots animals in the eye because he is supposed to heal eyes. Does he see exploded eyes when he looks at his patients?
He lifted his gun to shoot. I jumped down and kicked the barrel into the ground. Dirt exploded up and the sound of the shot ringed in my ears. The deeralope ran. A few more deeralopes we did not even see rised out of the bushes and ran too. Then there were other animals. I could not believe how many things were hiding! You will see in the videos. We were in the middle of stampede!
The eye doctor did not feel so manly anymore and he panicked. He shoot in all directions. Then he aimed at me! Maybe he thought I was a baboon because of all my fur, but baboons do not wear clothes so he does not have an excuse. Transplant dropped from the tree silently and wrapped him up in vines. The poacher started screaming and swearing at us. He say he had a permit but there is no such thing as a permit on a preserve. We checked to make sure. I rode the vines back into the tree as Transplant pulled him up just before a big black cow ran by. We had to wait a few minutes for all the animals to calm down before we could make it back to the Dogfighter. Then we made a copy of the videos our cameras took so the police could see him hunting in the wrong place. We left him with some preserve guards and the video.
By the time we got back it was on the news. They arrested him! It felt so good coming back because everyone else congratulated us. Golden Boy had baked some lasagna and made some big leafy salads. We even had some drinks. Do not worry; we never get drunk. Only a little tippy. Then we all watched a movie called (redacted). Archive say it was Wallflower’s favorite. It was okay. I didn’t like the part where (redacted), it was too (redacted)!
After the mini-party I say I needed to take a shower and get rid of all my fur, but Alpha Dog pulled me away to ask me something. He asked me if I could wait and not shave. I thought it was a really weird question. He say it was because we were having trouble raising the money Woman’s Touch took from us. He say he figured out a few ways to raise extra. Mini-goals for you to donate to.
He wanted me to wait and not shave so the backers could see me at my furriest. He say he thought you would really like to see it, like seeing a different side of me. I did not like the idea. I say that to him. His face got very serious and he say to me I should reconsider. Without the mini-goals we might not be able to work. He say that Golden Boy was already doing one; he was going to make a work-out video so other people could work-out like he does. That didn’t seem so bad. I say to Alpha Dog that it would be embarrassing. He say to me I only have to wait a week. I say no. He say five days. I say I don’t want to. He say four days. Then I say yes. I just wanted him to back away. I never waited so long to shave since I got out of the lab.
Then Alpha Dog was all smiley. He hugged me. He say to me he would do everything and I just needed to skip my diaries for a few days so you could not see me before the mini-goal was filled. I didn’t like that part either. I like talking to you. Many of you are very supporting. I say yes though so I had to wait. He wasn’t lying. He put a goal on the website the next day: See Monkey Girl at her wildest! Some of you put a lot of money in there. Archive say to me some strange things about the money though. Most of it from the mini-goal was given by eleven people. That’s not very many for that much money. Only a few of you really wanted to see it.
The next few days I just tried to ignore my fur. That is impossible when it starts needing a brush. There is plenty of static shocking me too. I hate it. Lucky for me, we had a few more missions to help me keep my mind away from it. I went with Transplant when he had to rescue some miners that were trapped underground. He made a tree into a drill, but he had to go so far below them that he needed to wear an oxygen tank to breathe! When everyone was safe he made the tree sprout over the cave-in and shaped it so it looked very pretty. I love how he always does that. It is like the world is a map and he is leaving little pins where we have helped people.
We rescued a few people lost at sea in the middle of a storm on Wednesday. The day after that we got an anomenous tip (I know that’s not the right word) about a man who exploded an office building a few years ago. They say he was hiding in a little town in New Hampshire, so we went and got him. He did not bother to fight us. Bad guys are starting to see they can’t win.
When the four days were over Alpha dog asked if I was ready. My fur was so long. My sideburns were down to my chin; it looked like a beard. I had annoying curls all over the back of my neck. It took a whole bottle of shampoo and a whole bottle of conditioner for me to keep everything tidy that morning. I was very ready to get it over with.
We were in the sitting room. He put a computer on the coffee table and say I should sit on the couch in front of it. He hit the button to start recording. I did not know what to say. I think I say something like, ‘Hello backers! I’m back. This is the furry me. I hope you like her because she won’t be around for long.’ Then I tried to smile. I thought that was all I had to do.
Then I heard a strange noise. Buzzing. Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzr. It was coming from my right, but then I heard it on my left too. I did not even have time to look before both noises got very close. They were right in my ears. I felt metal on my cheeks. I couldn’t turn my head because if I did I would get cut. Alpha Dog was holding a pair of electric clippers. Golden Boy came in from the other side with clippers too and they were cutting my sideburns.
I didn’t know what to do. I did not want to be shaved on camera. My fur got all over my beautiful costume. There is still little hairs stuck in some of the stitches. I tried to keep smiling and not cry. My eyes were so hot.
Golden Boy and Alpha Dog were shouting and hooting; they were the ones acting like monkeys. Alpha Dog pulled on my arm fur and then slided his clippers under it. He cut me a tiny bit. I jump around and hang from the ceiling a lot, but I felt glued down while they did that. They are my friends; they are not supposed to do things like that. I don’t care how much money it is worth to some internet weirdos. I couldn’t look at the camera so I just stared at the growing pile of hair in my lap. They scraped the back of my neck with their blades. They cut higher than they were supposed to. That wasn’t my fur; it was my hair. It’s different. I don’t cut that like that.
I don’t know why I couldn’t say stop. Wallflower did it for me without even saying anything. She appeared from the air and pulled them off me. I couldn’t hold in the tears anymore. I cried out loud, jumped over the couch, and ran straight to my room. I didn’t even think about the pile of fur I dropped all over the carpet.
I locked my door, started the shower, made it so hot it burned a little, and then tried to fix what they did. I was in there a very long time. I could not hear much over the pounding water, but there was voices. Archive yelling. Golden Boy yelling. Alpha Dog yelling. Someone kicked some furniture I think.
When my hands were clean I sat in the shower and looked at them for a while. I even cut the fur I normally keep on them. I wanted to remember I am human. I looked at my white nails and my tan fingers. I grabbed my tweezers, dripping all over the floor when I got them, got back in the shower, and pulled every little hair on my knuckles.
I think you understand now why I maybe leave. It’s not your fault, so please do not be upset with me. I am not feeling very well so I will skip the questions tonight. Goodnight backers.
Swagglerock69: u dont get 2 skip me bitch. my 2 cents goes on evrything u losers do. u wanna remember your human? 2 bad. your a dirty animal. u belong in a cage. me and my pals will be right through the bars throing banana peels at u. u no what im gonna do now? im gonna find that audtion video where you’re panties r showing and im gonna spread it around. im gonna put you’re baboon ass all over 4 every1 to see.
You were arrested. How are you here?
Swagglerock69: i only got probation LOL. they couldn’t get me out of their fast enough cuz they had to make room 4 real crimimials. your not allowed to be rid of me. try and send me back, it wont work. u cant prove im the real Swagglerock69!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!