Mysterious Americana Catalog: ‘Saw Bank’

~ Blaine Arcade ~ 3 Comments

M-A-C (23): ‘Saw Bank’

Category: doohickey

Collection Date: April 1st, 1967

Collection Location: Wall Street, New York

Collection Report: After a bank raid, and just prior to thirteen suicides from the roof of the (REDACTED) building, in which all those who died had not a single bill or coin on their person, this item was found tipped over on the sidewalk.

M-A-C (23) is a cast iron mechanical bank depicting two lumber workers sawing at a log. The coin slit is positioned just behind the blade, and the lever is the ‘falling’ round of wood on the front. When a coin is deposited and the lever pressed, the figures saw back and forth briefly. Continue reading →

Mysterious Americana Catalog: ‘Sore Spotter’

~ Blaine Arcade ~ 3 Comments

M-A-C (22): ‘Sore Spotter’

Category: whatsit

Collection Date: September 13th, 2001

Collection Location: (REDACTED), Wisconsin

Collection Report: Teenager D.C. Wingfire was testing out a newly purchased (via her father) dartboard from a yard sale. (Take note that the item was previously flagged under the Horseshit Protocol, but was not collected.) The two engaged in a friendly game.

Through foolishly jumping in front of his daughter’s shot, the father wound up with a dart embedded in his thigh. The wound was judged minor after its removal; the dart was washed and play resumed. Continue reading →

Mysterious Americana Catalog: ‘Dust Pail’

~ Blaine Arcade ~ 3 Comments

M-A-C (21): ‘Dust Pail’

Category: whatsit

Collection Date: (REDACTED), 1980

Collection Location: (REDACTED), Missouri

Collection Report: Self-proclaimed ‘cityfolk’ (REDACTED) and (REDACTED) entered the dilapidated barn on the rural property they had just purchased, finding nothing unexpected. While cleaning it out a chalky metal milk pail was knocked onto its side. Continue reading →

Mysterious Americana Catalog: ‘Alcaboozit’

~ Blaine Arcade ~ 3 Comments

M-A-C (20): ‘Alcaboozit’

Category: doohickey

Collection Date: March 11th, 1968

Collection Location: (REDACTED), Alabama

Collection Report: This MAC was technically collected well before the existence of the catalog, sometime during prohibition. It consists of a man-sized dented copper still connected to various tangled lengths of hosing. Taken before modern evidence preservation standards, it sat abandoned in a basement for decades.

Harmless unless used, the moonshine produced by the still conjures up a specific repeatable hallucination entity that refers to itself as ‘Alcaboozit’: a lanky emaciated man in full star-patterned pajamas with ‘too wide a grin too full of too yellow teeth’. He is reported to ‘drift like a bubble and pop in your ear’. Continue reading →

Mysterious Americana Catalog: ‘Freckle Lemonade’

~ Blaine Arcade ~ 3 Comments

M-A-C (19): ‘Freckle Lemonade’

Category: whatsit

Collection Date: (REDACTED), 1991

Collection Location: (REDACTED), Michigan

Collection Report: Mid-(REDACTED), local police received a report from an irate woman with a densely freckled face further riddled with self-inflicted scratches. She said two children had poisoned her and ‘destroyed her beauty’. Officers were led to the scene, where stood a plywood lemonade stand with a sloppily painted sign: lemonade – 50 cents. Continue reading →

Mysterious Americana Catalog: ‘Haw Haw Hawtty’

~ Blaine Arcade ~ 3 Comments

M-A-C (18): ‘Haw Haw Hawtty’

Category: whatsit

Collection Date: (REDACTED), 1997

Collection Location: (REDACTED), Florida

Collection Report: A fire at a convenience store/ fast food duo mega-rest stop claimed an unusually high number of lives, seasoned responding firefighters included. One of those responders was (REDACTED), cousin of senior rank collector (REDACTED), prompting unofficial investigation that became official upon discovery of the MAC in the blackened ruins.

M-A-C (18) is a novelty thermometer bent at a forty-five degree angle, molded into the plastic shell of a bikini-clad woman doubled over in laughter, dripping ambiguous tears/sweat. Continue reading →

Fareeha, I Cannot Hear You

~ Blaine Arcade ~ Leave a comment

Fareeha,

I cannot hear you

My volume is too low

by

Blaine Arcade

A micro-collection of poetry crafted from intentionally mishearing the hard work of the delightful streamer and musician Fareeha.

Audio Log of Firewood

(source video: How TOTK’s Rito Village Breaks Your Heart)

This is a recording,
let’s dig in—

We hear of enrichment
as our ears clock how much
we reach survivorhood.
The town gives its all,
working to the bone
of the blessing oak
I’m tempted to recall
as their blade articulations
vary rapid. Continue reading →

Twitch Stream Story: Job Unfair

~ Blaine Arcade ~ Leave a comment

Author’s Note:  This flash fiction story was written based on a prompt provided by a_d3ad_rat during a livestream.  I hereby transfer all story rights to them, with the caveat that it remain posted on this blog.  If you would like your own story, stop by twitch.tv/blainearcade during one of my streams and I’ll write it for you live!

Prompt: In a world where you can be anything, be a cyborg.

What a waste, thought every single child in the world once they learned what all the words meant, usually around eleven years old. ‘You can be anything’ all the books, posters, instructors, parents, and facilitators said. Eleven is when you figured out there was a second silent sentence after the first. ‘You can be anything; as long as it’s from the approved list.’

Wilt, now six years past this revelation, entered the job fair complex alongside his nervous mother. Domed white ceilings crisscrossing with beams draped a hundred banners, each playing a highlight reel of a different profession. The knowledge and experience of all these smiling professionals had come from the same exact place: the gates that Wilt and the other recently-adult prospects would stroll through in the next few hours. Continue reading →

Twitch Stream Stories Redux #7: From Now on, I Mind your Business

~ Blaine Arcade ~ Leave a comment

These stories were written live on stream based on prompts provided by the viewers. They have been edited, with this second more in-depth edit occurring much later, but not meaningfully rewritten or expanded so as to preserve the spirit of the exercise. Sadly, the prompts themselves were not recorded until many stories in.  Sometimes the prompts were silly challenges, or quirky thoughts, or dark ideas, or utter nonsense.  I did my best each time.

If you enjoy this, please check out the other activities from the stream. If you would like something longer and much more thoroughly planned, simply investigate my more traditional work at the top of the page.

From Now on, I Mind your Business

Prompt provided by WolfChkin

The backdoor of a sporting goods store was not the ideal place to skulk about. It was in plain view of the street, and not obscured by the dumpsters and pallets one might expect in a rainy alley. Still, it was where Dixon had to skulk. He was supposed to meet Ray by that door in exactly five minutes. Ray would step out, take his payment, and then disappear back inside. Continue reading →

Book Series Blurbs

~ Blaine Arcade ~ 3 Comments

Here are the blurbs for my most in-depth and lengthy works, spanning several volumes, be they part of large arcs or simply taking place in the same world.  You can check out the blurbs for short stories, novelettes, novellas, novella/novelette series, and standalone books at these links.

The Captain Rob Series

(Captain Rob Fights, Captain Rob Sinks, Captain Rob Robs, and Captain Rob Deals)

Born from ridiculous contrasts, high fantasy and lowbrow humor, one note jokes and epic book series, comes the four volumes of Captain Rob!

Rich with lore and odors, the world of Porce is much more than a gigantic public restroom to its many races and creatures.  In the waters of Third Sink a maligned vessel is commanded by Captain Kilrobin Ordr, fierce pirate, slightly undead warrior, and gentleman scholar, well… man scholar.

The Captain and his crew face many challenges on their journeys, from graffiti worshiping Toil Papists who praise their god’s glory at Glory Hole to monsters engineered by the world to defeat them, along with bloodthirsty reflections, sewer-sea beasts, and tornado spewing hand dryers.  Do you have the courage to peek behind the bathroom door and find out what’s making all those terrible sounds!?  Then barge right in and partake in the plumbing of new depths! Continue reading →