MAC Entries

Mysterious Americana Catalog: ‘Barmuda Triangle’

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M-A-C (26):’Barmuda Triangle’

Category: whatsit

Collection Date: April 13th, 1985

Collection Location: (REDACTED), Georgia

Collection Report: The MAC is not to be confused with the establishment where it was found, also called ‘Barmuda Triangle’: a tropically themed purveyor of alcohol with a stable of billiards tables. For each there is a triangular ball rack with a decal lining the exterior that depicts palm tree silhouettes against an exaggerated orange-to-violet sunset.

Only one is MAC-26, indistinguishable from the rest initially. The catalog’s attention was drawn when several patrons of the bar, all with the same profession of pilot, went missing. There was never any clue in the disappearances, not so much as an empty car where it shouldn’t have been or an article of clothing. Shortly after their visit, six men were simply gone.

Beyond their jobs they all had one thing in common, having played a game on the furthest table from the entrance, next to the jukebox wearing the hula skirt and the coconut bra. Presumably they all handled MAC-26, which was singled out as the culprit from one witness report by (REDACTED): a fellow pilot shooting the breeze and pool with his coworker but who did not go missing, having touched everything at the table but the rack.

The catalog was able to purchase the item from the owner with no fuss as a ‘souvenir’. It is not to be touched by anyone who has ever flown an airplane or helicopter.

Current Collector: Joanna V. Satellito, provisional senior rank

Notes from Collector: “I’m banking on one of those boys reappearing. Need myself a fourth husband.”

Current Status: active

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Mysterious American Catalog: ‘Literally Figurative Lightning Rod’

~ Blaine Arcade ~ 3 Comments

M-A-C (25): ‘Literally Figurative Lightning Rod’

Category: whatsit

Collection Date: October 29th, 1995

Collection Location: (REDACTED), Massachusetts

Collection Report: Reported and logged by its current collector, this MAC is an antique lightning rod with a thick patina. Its midsection bears an oddly shaped bulge that, when viewed from certain angles, resembles a fist deploying the middle finger. It was installed where it currently stands, on the roof of the collector’s compound, where it serves both its intended function and its anomalous one. Continue reading →

Mysterious Americana Catalog: ‘Bindlestiff Call’

~ Blaine Arcade ~ 3 Comments

M-A-C (24): ‘Bindlestiff Call’

Category: whatsit

Collection Date: N/A

Collection Location: N/A

Collection Report: This rumored MAC has only secondhand accounts, many from those who are known abusers of the Horseshit Protocol: anglers of the one that got away. According to these rumors, the MAC is a gift shop wooden train whistle, little more than a tan rectangular prism.

Blowing on it summons various bindlestiffs, hitchhikers, hobos, and vagrants out of the woodwork, none of whom claim to have heard the whistle, and were merely ‘passing through’. Continue reading →

Mysterious Americana Catalog: ‘Saw Bank’

~ Blaine Arcade ~ 3 Comments

M-A-C (23): ‘Saw Bank’

Category: doohickey

Collection Date: April 1st, 1967

Collection Location: Wall Street, New York

Collection Report: After a bank raid, and just prior to thirteen suicides from the roof of the (REDACTED) building, in which all those who died had not a single bill or coin on their person, this item was found tipped over on the sidewalk.

M-A-C (23) is a cast iron mechanical bank depicting two lumber workers sawing at a log. The coin slit is positioned just behind the blade, and the lever is the ‘falling’ round of wood on the front. When a coin is deposited and the lever pressed, the figures saw back and forth briefly. Continue reading →

Mysterious Americana Catalog: ‘Sore Spotter’

~ Blaine Arcade ~ 3 Comments

M-A-C (22): ‘Sore Spotter’

Category: whatsit

Collection Date: September 13th, 2001

Collection Location: (REDACTED), Wisconsin

Collection Report: Teenager D.C. Wingfire was testing out a newly purchased (via her father) dartboard from a yard sale. (Take note that the item was previously flagged under the Horseshit Protocol, but was not collected.) The two engaged in a friendly game.

Through foolishly jumping in front of his daughter’s shot, the father wound up with a dart embedded in his thigh. The wound was judged minor after its removal; the dart was washed and play resumed. Continue reading →

Mysterious Americana Catalog: ‘Dust Pail’

~ Blaine Arcade ~ 3 Comments

M-A-C (21): ‘Dust Pail’

Category: whatsit

Collection Date: (REDACTED), 1980

Collection Location: (REDACTED), Missouri

Collection Report: Self-proclaimed ‘cityfolk’ (REDACTED) and (REDACTED) entered the dilapidated barn on the rural property they had just purchased, finding nothing unexpected. While cleaning it out a chalky metal milk pail was knocked onto its side. Continue reading →

Mysterious Americana Catalog: ‘Alcaboozit’

~ Blaine Arcade ~ 3 Comments

M-A-C (20): ‘Alcaboozit’

Category: doohickey

Collection Date: March 11th, 1968

Collection Location: (REDACTED), Alabama

Collection Report: This MAC was technically collected well before the existence of the catalog, sometime during prohibition. It consists of a man-sized dented copper still connected to various tangled lengths of hosing. Taken before modern evidence preservation standards, it sat abandoned in a basement for decades.

Harmless unless used, the moonshine produced by the still conjures up a specific repeatable hallucination entity that refers to itself as ‘Alcaboozit’: a lanky emaciated man in full star-patterned pajamas with ‘too wide a grin too full of too yellow teeth’. He is reported to ‘drift like a bubble and pop in your ear’. Continue reading →

Mysterious Americana Catalog: ‘Freckle Lemonade’

~ Blaine Arcade ~ 3 Comments

M-A-C (19): ‘Freckle Lemonade’

Category: whatsit

Collection Date: (REDACTED), 1991

Collection Location: (REDACTED), Michigan

Collection Report: Mid-(REDACTED), local police received a report from an irate woman with a densely freckled face further riddled with self-inflicted scratches. She said two children had poisoned her and ‘destroyed her beauty’. Officers were led to the scene, where stood a plywood lemonade stand with a sloppily painted sign: lemonade – 50 cents. Continue reading →

Mysterious Americana Catalog: ‘Haw Haw Hawtty’

~ Blaine Arcade ~ 3 Comments

M-A-C (18): ‘Haw Haw Hawtty’

Category: whatsit

Collection Date: (REDACTED), 1997

Collection Location: (REDACTED), Florida

Collection Report: A fire at a convenience store/ fast food duo mega-rest stop claimed an unusually high number of lives, seasoned responding firefighters included. One of those responders was (REDACTED), cousin of senior rank collector (REDACTED), prompting unofficial investigation that became official upon discovery of the MAC in the blackened ruins.

M-A-C (18) is a novelty thermometer bent at a forty-five degree angle, molded into the plastic shell of a bikini-clad woman doubled over in laughter, dripping ambiguous tears/sweat. Continue reading →