paranormal

Mysterious Americana Catalog: ‘Mobster Pot’

~ Blaine Arcade ~ 3 Comments

M-A-C (17): ‘Mobster Pot’

Category: whatsit

Collection Date: (REDACTED), 2011

Collection Location: (REDACTED), Maine

Collection Report: It took three instances of anomalous behavior for the owner of the ‘mobster pot’ to become suspicious and report it to the authorities. Its form is that of an ordinary lobster pot, manufactured some fifty years prior, showing heavy rust but no structural issues. Its owner had it in continuous use off the same stretch of coast for fifteen years.

The first sign of anything amiss occurred when it was brought up and a human big toe was found in the pincers of one of the trapped lobsters. The digit appeared fresh, and so was put on ice, but too close to some of the catch, resulting in it being consumed before they reached shore.

The incident was reported and the lobster men went back to business as usual. However, three weeks later, an elbow was brought up confined to the same pot, this time without any lobsters present to have carried it. It bore a distinctive tattoo of a (REDACTED) riding a (REDACTED) while (REDACTED), which was later tied to the recent missing person case of (REDACTED).

By the third incident the pot was near to bursting with parts of various bodies, most eventually tied to active missing persons cases. Never was anything larger than an entire bicep found, but they varied in the extreme, from eyeballs and tongues to lungs and the skin off someone’s back.

Fearing what might happen if it was sent down again, the lobster men took a vote, and among the voters was someone who had recently become familiar with the Catalog, who then convinced a majority of the others to turn it over to us rather than the police.

Current Collector: Maude Sirento, senior rank

Notes from Collector: “It was probably always strange, but now those waters are overfished. It doesn’t have anything else to dredge up.”

Current Status: active

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Mysterious Americana Catalog: ‘Red Cent Flattener’

~ Blaine Arcade ~ 3 Comments

M-A-C (16): ‘Red Cent Flattener’

Category: doohickey

Collection Date: (REDACTED), 1976

Collection Location: (REDACTED), Oklahoma

Collection Report: M-A-C (16) was discovered indirectly, through a suspicious increase in recruitment at a U.S. Army recruitment office. One of our collectors took in several of these recruits himself, reporting that the men, always younger than 25, either attempted to ‘pay’ for their own recruitment or engage in a coin flip wager with him, always using an unusual coin.

Of the initial twelve turned over to the Catalog, all were pennies flattened into a new design by a novelty coin-flattening machine. They were bordered with shooting stars and eagle talons on the bottom, and each bore an inscription; however the inscription, despite a common goal, was different each time.

Paired with a unique insult was an order to join a branch of the United States military, usually the army or navy. Examples include: [MAC-16-3: ‘You’re nothing but an empty ice cream cone. Go let the navy scoop some character into you!’], [MAC-16-8: ‘You’re a son of a bitch too stupid to play fetch, so go fetch yourself an army recruitment form!’], and [MAC-16-11: ‘You’re so spineless that when I ordered you to join the army, you’d already done it!’]

Through questioning of the temporarily obedient recruits, the coins were traced to a seasonal fireworks store off Highway (REDACTED). In its darkest recesses there stood an American flag-paneled novelty penny flattening machine. In exchange for 75 cents, 76 counting the penny, it returned the insulting and recruiting tokens with an obnoxious bell jingle that could not be heard beyond the aisle despite its ear-splitting volume.

Though the messages had an immature and simplistic nature, the recipient, upon handling the coin, often became obsessed with obeying, at least until they were officially recruited. Regrets usually follow.

Typically such an item, even with the language element, would be classified as a whatsit, but M-A-C (16) demonstrated a degree of intelligence when collectors attempted extraction by spitting out a coin directly onto exposed skin and recruiting one of our staff with the message: ‘Every cent is red to a commie! Defend your country!’

The only injury in the resulting scuffle was caused by the unbalanced machine falling on an ankle. The exposed collector returned to normal after the machine had left the building.

Current Collector: Phillips ‘don’t you f***ing redact me’ Phillips-Head, senior rank

Notes from Collector: “All you’ve gotta do is go toe to f***ing toe with it, then it can’t recruit you. It only gets the weak-minded and I’m the smartest f***ing bastard since the bicentennial. It calls your mother a f***ing whore, and you call its mother a f***ing whore right back, whether machines got mothers or not.”

Current Status: active

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Mysterious Americana Catalog: ‘NGA Sign’

~ Blaine Arcade ~ 3 Comments

M-A-C (15): ‘NGA Sign’

Category: whatsit

Collection Date: (REDACTED), 1996

Collection Location: (REDACTED), Illinois

Collection Report: Technically the MAC was a combination of elements, triggered only when a certain sort of sign was placed on a specific tree house. From then on the sign was imbued with the characteristic properties, regardless of how long or far the separation from the house element.

(REDACTED) was a (REDACTED) year old girl who stumbled across the dilapidated tree house and entered out of curiosity; she was immediately overcome by symptoms resembling a grand mal seizure.

When paralysis ceased she found she had undergone a physical metamorphosis of sex to a male. (Males produced this way display no changes in personality, but do insist on a masculine name, in this case ‘Alden’.)

Alden then recalled the sign placed at the entrance, which clearly stated in permanent marker ‘no girls allowed’. This presented a problem, as he (correctly) feared exiting the tree house would undo the transformation, with the resulting seizure dropping him from a deadly height. With no food or water, he had only a day or two to resolve the issue.

Left behind by the previous occupant were several tools, including a claw hammer and nails. Utilizing these Alden tore up the floorboards, constructed a smaller platform, and lowered it out of the tree house onto a crux of branches, thinking he could drop onto it and transform safely, then climb down. He was successful.

Childhood gossip attracted a crowd, and three more NGA signs were produced with various inks and materials. Each, when placed on the exterior of any enclosed artificial structure, endowed that structure with the same effect. Male phenotypes who enter are completely unaltered. Transformation occurs just slowly enough to escape moment-to-moment perception, taking around thirty minutes in total.

One child’s uncle had completed the Catalog’s correspondence course as a spotter, and made a report. All but the original signs were destroyed by the Catalog, as was the tree house, but that was done by an angry parent who feared permanent alterations to their child’s sexuality.

Current Collector: Transitory Mel (he/him), senior rank

Notes from Collector: “Stops 50% of intruders. Never had a stolen MAC and I never will.”

Current Status: active

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Mysterious America Catalog: ‘True Knothole’

~ Blaine Arcade ~ 3 Comments

M-A-C (14): ‘True Knothole’

Category: whatsit

Collection Date: (REDACTED), 1979

Collection Location: (REDACTED), Oregon

Collection Report: This MAC was independently discovered by two parties simultaneously; unfortunately only one was trained to handle such things with caution first and discretion second.

The party affiliated with us, Collector (REDACTED), then junior rank, was following the newly established ‘Horseshit Protocol’, by which agents of the Catalog identify and ferret out local ‘horseshit’, ‘bullshit’, ‘(REDACTED)shit’, and ‘batshit’ stories connected to uncatalogued and improperly stored MACs.

His initial lead was a deceased finch that, when dissected, displayed unnaturally braided feathers, Celtic knot intestines, and tangled muscle and optical fibers.

In one of the earliest examples of the protocol’s effectiveness, he was able to trace it back to a (REDACTED) tree approximately (REDACTED) centuries old on an abandoned property, given wide berth by all surrounding trees, some of which suffered unnaturally knotted branches.

He discovered on this tree a large regular knothole, its back and sides invisible when light was shined directly into it. Any object placed within is swallowed in darkness and emerges knotted, regardless of rigidity, with no other damage.

Our collector arrived just fifteen minutes after the other party that stumbled across the tree, a teenage girl who had placed her left arm inside the knothole. No knots resulting from the MAC can be undone, again regardless of material, and while the victim was initially still able to use her hand the limb had to be amputated at the elbow (REDACTED) years later due to poor circulation, apparently from the gradual tightening of the knot.

After this incident the MAC was uprooted live and transported via flatbed to a private collection where it was replanted. There was as security concern, as a trail of knotted insects had been left all along the route traveled, but it was addressed before any incident by varmint control truck 2.

The MAC has been sealed inside a cylindrical box wrapped about the tree, fitted with a door and knotted key that cannot be copied, to prevent future access.

Current Collector: ‘Sisyphus Philosophizer’, senior rank

Notes from Collector: “I use it to make balloon animals for my kids’ birthdays. They take forever to pop. You wanna sanction me for using it, well you go right ahead and go to the trouble of ripping up those roots and hauling it across state lines a second time, on your dime.”

Current Status: active

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Mysterious Americana Catalog: ‘Firebird’

~ Blaine Arcade ~ 3 Comments

M-A-C (13): ‘Firebird’

Category: varmint

Collection Date: November 25th, 1999

Collection Location: (REDACTED), New Mexico

Collection Report: A seemingly ordinary frozen turkey was purchased at (REDACTED) Foods and stored in preparation for the (REDACTED) family’s third annual hybrid Mexican-Thanksgiving dinner, where they cooked both traditional holiday dishes and cultural hybrids like pumpkin pie churros and hot pepper stuffing.

When the bird carcass was removed from its opaque bag, in the presence of seven witnesses, it immediately thrashed. It was dropped, but brought itself to its nub feet and aimed at the nearby open door of the oven. The oven was not yet heated, but the turkey ran for it, launched itself inside, and continued to flail.

After some seconds, multiple bystanders witnessed it ‘realize something’ and extract itself before fleeing.

Four individuals pursued it out of the kitchen, out of the house, and through a neighbor’s backyard where it created a dangerous situation by leaping into a vat of boiling oil the neighbor was about to use to deep fry their own turkey. The resulting splash dissuaded all but one pursuer.

Seemingly dissatisfied with the overturned oil as its secondary suicide method, the M-A-C proceeded through the doggy door of the next house over and attempted to insert itself into their oven.

This house belonged to a then-member of the catalog, and they acted quickly in turning away the last pursuer on the grounds of trespassing. After wrangling and registration by catalog varmint control truck 4, it was observed that the carcass, nicknamed ‘Firebird’, would perpetually try to cook itself by any methods available. It could only be contained by keeping it in a pit lined with aluminum foil, where it then ambled perpetually and aimlessly.

Current Collector: (REDACTED) Alvarez, junior rank, expelled

Notes from Collector: “In my defense, I didn’t know my family expected me to host Thanksgiving that year. They showed up and I had nothing… except for a bird begging to be cooked. If anything, it should have counted as research; we now know it tasted normal and didn’t make us run for any open graves.”

Current Status: inactive (consumed), skeleton displays no unusual properties

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Mysterious Americana Catalog: ‘Hon’

~ Blaine Arcade ~ 2 Comments

M-A-C (12): ‘Hon’

Category: doohickey

Collection Date: (REDACTED), 1986

Collection Location: (REDACTED), North Carolina

Collection Report: M-A-C (12) has a recorded collection date, but no associated report, despite it being the most well-known of the Catalog’s myriad items. That is due to it being featured on the cover of five consecutive issues, just prior to the discontinuation of all cover images.

Picked up from the entryway of one of our collectors’ facilities, and always stored in such a place to discourage it from fleeing, ‘Hon’, as it is called, is a tawny welcome mat three feet and five inches across. It bears the phrase ‘Come on in Hon!’

When insufficient foot traffic passes over Hon it will move about on its own, seeking affection, a state in which it has been witnessed running, jumping, crawling, and placing itself in laps in an apparent demand to be stroked.

This behavior cannot be recorded, as any attempt to move it by force while under surveillance results in a tide of insects emitted instead (those typically living under welcome mats like millipedes, (REDACTED), and wood lice), despite there being no possible source for them.

Current Collector: ‘Brigadoon’: The MAC private museum, gallery, and war room, senior rank

Notes from Collector: “Hon is the mascot of the Catalog, insofar as there can be one. As such his only home is Brigadoon, the largest collection in existence. Visiting hours are never. Get used to it. You want to meet the mat? Get senior rank, get the scars to match, then give us a call. Don’t forget to lose the phone number.”

Current Status: active

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Mysterious Americana Catalog: ‘RPM Tire Swing’

~ Blaine Arcade ~ 3 Comments

M-A-C (11): ‘RPM Tire Swing’

Category: whatsit

Collection Date: (REDACTED), 1983

Collection Location: (REDACTED), Arkansas

Collection Report: The Catalog followed up on an emergency room report. The notes of one of the attending nurses: ‘Kid says he was on tire swing when it started spinning like it was still on a car and someone gunned it. Looking at his broken collarbone, legs, and neck bruising I almost believe him.‘

The item, apparently having burned through its rope support with friction alone, seemed to depart the property on its own, traveling over 300 miles before it was picked up on the shoulder of Highway (REDACTED) after striking a hitchhiker and landing on its side. The item goes inactive when placed horizontally. It is completely bald, but its performance as a wheel does not seem to suffer, its top speed calculated at over ninety mph.

Current Collector: Garth Millman (they/them), senior rank

Notes from Collector: “It hung as a swing for a while, and we’ve had a few reports of other wheels we haven’t nailed down. My theory is that there’s an entire car broken down and split up, but still working. Some joker holds a wheel and turns it, all four of our swings turn. Somebody steps on a gas pedal buried in the muck and little (REDACTED) is thrown screaming across his yard.”

Current Status: active

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Mysterious Americana Catalog: ‘Used Water’

~ Blaine Arcade ~ 3 Comments

M-A-C (10): ‘Used Water’

Category: whatsit

Collection Date: (REDACTED), 1985

Collection Location: (REDACTED), Delaware

Collection Report: Here will be made a note regarding MAC discoveries at yard sales: In no other circumstance are you more likely to discover a MAC or an associated item than at a yard sale. Statistically, over 17% of items that move through the Catalog have previously passed through at least one recorded garage or yard sale. There is also an effect, unrelated to each individual piece, where MACs that have been purchased in cash show reduced anomalous effects, but that being offered for sale at one of the events increases them again. This effect cannot be replicated artificially. Continue reading →

Mysterious Americana Catalog: ‘Shoelace Ramps’

~ Blaine Arcade ~ 3 Comments

M-A-C (9): ‘Shoelace Ramps’

Category: doohickey

Collection Date: (REDACTED), 1966

Collection Location: (REDACTED), South Carolina

Collection Report: Stumbled upon by one of the founding members of the Catalog in the year of its first issue, this MAC had several instances over several years, all of which occurred in the area surrounding a mountainous trail with no signposts. Continue reading →

Mysterious Americana Catalog: ‘Loopy’

~ Blaine Arcade ~ 3 Comments

M-A-C (8): ‘Loopy’

Category: varmint

Collection Date: (REDACTED), 2007

Collection Location: (REDACTED), New Mexico

Collection Report: This item is the rare exception among MACs, as in appearance and behavior it is nothing more than an ordinary animal. The (REDACTED) family were on an RV trip in 1992 to see the world’s largest pile of (REDACTED) when they stopped to have a picnic. Continue reading →